Please follow me over to my new site @ bythelightofthemoon.blog! See you there!!
Please follow me over to my new site @ bythelightofthemoon.blog! See you there!!
“We shouldn’t have to out ourselves as survivors in order for people to grasp the magnitude of how systematic assault and harassment are.”~Laura Witt
On Friday night I was sexually assaulted, and I almost let it go. Sexual assault is a big umbrella, one that I am all too familiar with. I have always been quiet, not one to talk and say things. An easy target, especially when I was younger. Now, I am 36 and still, I find it hard to say things, or even force myself to recognize that it even happened. It’s easier to ignore it. Easier not to deal with it. Not this time.
I have a following on here, be it a little one, but if one person reads it that needs to see this, then it will be worth the uncomfortableness of talking about it.
It was our 3rd date. We had already had sex so that wasn’t even a worry for me. We hung out, watched movies. Well, things progressed they way that they do. Now, there is something specific that I will not do sexually. I just don’t like. Period. I am upfront and honest with everyone about it. It is a hard no. NO.
I reminded him of this, and he verbally agreed that he understood. Well. After about an hour of fooling around, and me reminding him three times, he held me down and forced me to do it. I said no, and tried to push him away. All he said was sorry.
Now here is the important part that even I need to keep reminding myself of. I 100% consented to having sex with him that night. I 100% consented to do anything except this one act. To that, I said no. I said no and he forced me to do it anyway. That is sexual assault. That is not ok. To make matters worse, it took me three days to even realize it.
If I had been raped, three days is enough time to wash any DNA that might be there away. I know this, yet I still did nothing. In Jr High, when I teacher assaulted me, I said nothing. In highschool, when my teacher touched me, I said nothing. 8 years ago, when I was raped by a guy I was dating, I didn’t say anything for five whole years. Then all of it just came out in a therapy session and I was crying so much that I couldn’t breathe. Complex PTSD they said. Lovely another diagnosis.
Don’t make the same mistakes I did and live quietly for years suffering in silence. Do something, say something.
Now this guy won’t leave me alone, He keeps messaging me, even though I have blocked him, he found a way through. I have been brushing it all off, but I just keep getting this feeling inside that something is wrong. Something is wrong, and for the first time I am going to do something about it.
Every state has a Sexual Assault hotline. In NH, it is 1-800-227-5570, and I called it. Within 5 minutes an advocate called me back. It was helpful to talk about it with someone and have them validate that my feelings were real and valid. She is finding me some information and calling me back. I don’t know if anything will come of it, but I feel better knowing that I told someone what happened and that it was validated that it wasn’t something I was making up in my head.
I am still upset with myself for not taking it more seriously. If we can’t stick up for ourselves, then who will?
You know those times in your life when you are going through a bunch of crap and you can’t really figure out why you feel the way you do? Then out of nowhere, Poof! You figure it out. I call this a revelation. They don’t happen very often, but when they do, it’s awesome! I had one last night, and now I don’t know if I feel better or worse.
I have been having so much fun dating, just having a blast, no strings attached. Being my own person and meeting some great people, but since I fell into “like” with Mr. Dammit, (See my post, Dammit), things have been weird. I am no longer satisfied with just dating, I need more and I didn’t understand why this came out of nowhere. Now I do… I don’t need a relationship, I need intimacy. Or maybe both, I don’t know.
I learned very quickly after my divorce 10 years ago that sex and intimacy do not always go together. I understand, that for some people they have to, but for me, nope. They are two very, very different things, and I can easily have one without the other. I have been living in blissful ignorance of how important intimacy is to me and now that I know, I can’t get it out of my head.
I need touch: holding hands in the car, cuddling on the couch watching a movie, or laying in bed, legs tangled together just talking about random things.
Forehead Kisses. (So important it gets its own line).
I will say it again, forehead kisses.
I need someone who plays with my hair absentmindedly, texts me just to tell me they are thinking of me, and NOT how excited they are to have sex with me. See the difference?
My last boyfriend spoiled me. Not with things, but with love and feelings and touch. He always told me to wear my seat belt (something I never do, bad I know). He wasn’t telling me what to do, but expressing that he cared for my safety, so I did. He could talk me out of bed on bad days, which is not an easy task. At restaurants we would hold hands across the table, we were almost always touching in someway. I miss that.
I know that everyone is different, but intimacy is intimacy. I was doing just fine until Mr. Dammit. With him, I had intimacy. I don’t know how, time was so limited, but it was there nonetheless, and now I remember what it feels like and I am craving it again.
“It is not time or opportunity that is to determine intimacy;—it is disposition alone. Seven years would be insufficient to make some people acquainted with each other, and seven days are more than enough for others.”
~Jane Austen, Sense and Sensibility
So now that I have this information, I need to figure out what I am going to do with it. My first impulse was to stop talking to everyone I have been hanging out with, but that seemed rash, so I didn’t do that. I really need to take inventory (silly word, I know) and see if there is potential there, and if not, move on.. Sounds harsh, but in the end it is about me, and what makes me happy. If I don’t make changes, then I will live in the same unhappy place forever.
Wish me luck!
“I need one of those long hugs where you kinda forget whatever else is happening around you for a minute”
There was nothing but numbness. No emotion, no tears, no anger or pain. Just nothing. Like an empty hole in my chest. A hole that nothing could fill. Depression.
The day started out like normal. I woke up, got some things together, I dropped off a raffle item off for a fundraiser, then I spent some time with a friend. All good things. Then it hit me out of nowhere. The numbness. It was 2:30pm.
I was dragging by the time I made the twenty five minute trip home. I pulled myself up to my apartment, then went straight to bed. So many things to do, yet I couldn’t keep my eyes open. Settled under my weighted blanket I did an anxiety meditation. I said to myself, “I don’t think my brain can handle more than fifteen minutes”. So I did twenty. Small win for me.
I faded off to sleep quickly. My alarm set for 5:30 pm so I could wake up and go to the Circle of Sound. One on my most favorite rituals put on by the Temple of Witchcraft. I never miss a gathering. When my alarm went off, I knew it wasn’t going to happen. I couldn’t get out of bed. I could barely lift my head to text my friend and let her know I wasn’t coming. I cried. Just a little. I could have slept all night at that moment. I ended up getting out of bed at 7 pm.
I was numb for the rest of the night. I didn’t write, I didn’t read, I didn’t even watch TV, I just kind of sat there for a few hours then went back to bed. The only reason I got up was to spend some time with the cats. The day needed to be over, and the only way to make that happen was to go to sleep.
I put the cats to bed, took my pills, and tucked myself in. I needed a hug, I needed to be held, but there was no one there, just me, me and my Winnie the Pooh bear.
Just like that, a perfectly good Sunday down the drain because of a random bout of depression. There was no trigger, there was no reason for it, it just came out of nowhere and knocked me on my ass.
Come the morning and the world was right again. This is my life, living with depression.
“When you support a small business, you support a dream.”
Counting down the days until the grand opening of my store, (January 31st 2019), By the Light of the Moon. (eek!) I create all natural bath products: bath salts, sugar scrubs and bath bombs. I also create occult items, most essential oil blends right now, incense to be coming soon. I also read tarot. Building my magickal brand a little bit at a time.
Ingredients have been purchased, product has been made, photos have been taken and labels have been ordered. This is legit happening in my life right now. My normally organized house has exploded with ingredients and packaging material. My time is no longer my own.
There is still so much to do that it is overwhelming. Advertising (Instagram, Twitter, Facebook) is honestly exhausting, but seemingly effective. (Follow me pretty, pretty please!) Network groups are helpful and I have learned a ton is a very small amount of time. Basically the key is consistently. You can’t take a day off or you fall behind. Sleep is something I no longer have time for. I live off of coffee and Redbull. (It really does give you wings… and anxiety)
I got word from the FDA today that my products meet all the regulations for beauty products so that is a load off of my mind. I have a feeling that the FDA is not someone I want to mess with…. Like really. Now I know that I (and others) can sit back in the bathtub, relax and enjoy.
I have also realized that you need to be shameless while plugging your own business. For example: Dear friend, here is a free sample, do you love it? (Why yes I do) ok please leave a review here (send link). I’m in sales for a living so you think it would come easier to me, but nope. I got this though, it is my passion and I am going to make it work.
Support small businesses, it is the difference between corporate growth and food on the table, and trust me, we appreciate it!
“People aren’t even dating anymore, just talking, catching feelings, sleeping together, and ending up in situationships”
I was doing great. I had a terrible breakup in August, but I was recovering, finding myself and having so much fun dating. True, I was a little bit, ahem, active, but hell guys do it, why can’t we! I was having a blast. Then it happened. Feelings. Dammit.
No one is perfect, but he is perfect for me. He is tall, dark, handsome, and a witch! I mean seriously. We have a lot in common and it was like that feeling that we have known each other forever. Comfortable, you know? He sings karaoke (Like OMG he is damn good) and even did a Grease duet with me (Like, really??). Our pillow talk was about involved things like Chernobyl and serial killers. Amazing. Then I did the thing I promised myself I wouldn’t do. I dropped my guard and I let myself feel. First guy I have let myself feel for since my big break up, and it happened way to fast. Dammit.
He disappeared on me once, a few weeks after we started hanging out the first time.. I let it go, there was a twinge of pain, but nothing to write home about. Then at Yule, he came back. One single message from him and I was right back to where I was. Smiling like an idiot for days. Dammit.
We had the best date, we went singing then hung out and cuddled. It was perfect. I let him sleep over… I don’t let anyone sleep over, ever. Ever. It was a big step for me, and now it is also a big step back. Trust is hard for me, and it is easy to break, not forever, just a little bump. I hate that I feel this way. Dammit.
Now, to be clear, I was not trying to relationship him. We both have stuff going on and we are wicked busy, but the potential was there for the future and I felt, at the very least, we I had found someone to cuddle with when I needed it. Now that is gone. Dammit.
He didn’t disappear, he was honest. He needs to figure out what is going on with someone who is not me. I appreciate his honesty. He still would like to be friends, I am open, but I am not going to put myself out there because I know it won’t end well. I love the time that I got to have with him. I still think he is in my life for a reason. Maybe not in a romantic way, but it some way. Witch’s intuition, and I am sticking to it, dammit.
This whole thing has really got me thinking. I might be ready for a relationship. I got really upset yesterday and through my tears I said I was done dating, but to be honest, that’s not possible. To find a mate, you have to date! (See what I did there?) I don’t want to rush anything, but I am ready for more than a hookup. I am ready to be loved, dammit, and I deserve it!
“My body is my journal, and my tattoos are my story.”
Recently, I got tattoos on the fingers of my right hand. One is a pentacle and the other is a quarter moon. I posted the pic on a witchcraft group I was in and it was overwhelmed with likes. (I love when that happens!) Anyway, one woman commented asking if they were drawn on or if it was a tattoo. I should mention that she is in an older generation than myself. Once I told her that it was a tattoo she got so excited. She explained in her day it was unacceptable for women to get tattoos, never mind ones on their fingers.
I want to be clear here, I am not a feminist, (I know, haters gonna hate), but I do believe in equal rights. There is no reason that tattoos should be acceptable on men and not on woman. That is just crazy talk. I consider myself lucky to be living in a generation where this is mostly not the case.
So, in case you haven’t figured it out yet, I am a tattooed girl. I have gotten more expressive with them over the past year or so. They are becoming more visible, a big step in the workforce, but the world is becoming more accepting of tattoos at a rapid rate.
I love every single one of my tattoos and each one has a special meaning just for me. I am not really one of those girls to pick a tattoo out of a book. I like to bring the artist an idea and let them run with it. They are the artist afterall, they know better than me.
I am one that finds a tattoo artist via word of mouth. (Is there really any other way?) I will stay with them for awhile, then someone else with give me a recommendation and I will see that person for awhile. This time, my friend Robbie (Check out his blog! My Weak Started on Sadder Days), sent me to his friend and awesome tattoo artist TJ at Null Tattoo. He is amazing! I give him an idea and he perfectly matches what is in my head. Check him out on Facebook & Instagram. I highly recommend him. (He even lets me listen to Ed Sheeran!)
Leave your tattoo pics in the comments!!
“ Sometimes the more you get to know a person, the more attractive they become.”
The Question Game has been apart of my life since probably freshman year in high school. My girlfriends and I would get together on a Friday night, play twister in the driveway while waiting for the hot pizza guy, and ask each other questions that we had to answer honestly. Kind of like the truth part of Truth or Dare. We played it all the time. It was super fun, and I good way to see secrets we are holding. Nowadays, when the girls and I get together, we still play, only this time we drink wine and things get a lot more interesting.
Since I have started dating again, I have brought back The Question Game. This game is only for those who I believe have potential for a relationship. (Because otherwise, who cares!) I bought a book called The Secret Me: A Questionnaire Journal from Amazon. It is written by Shane Windham, and he has a bunch of other similar type journals that I can’t wait to try.
It is very much an adult book. It asks questions on anything from sex to morals and values. The game is easy, someone asks a question, we both answer and discuss, then we switch. The game continues for as long as you want, it usually goes longer when booze is involved. (It is also WAY more fun.)
I enjoy it because it is a low key way to get to know each other. It asks questions that you wouldn’t normally think to ask during the get to know you phase, and it does so in a really fun way!
Check out Shane Windham, he’s pretty awesome, and comment below how you get to know your potential partners!
“We have started a new book. 12 new chapters and 365 new pages to make a difference, who will you be?”
The past few years have been rough. Like wow. Mental health wise, life wise, everything. It has been a constant uphill battle and I have felt that I have been swimming against the current. (It brings Just Keep Swimming to a whole new level) Well, this year will be different.
Since my hospital stay I have been finding myself changing pretty rapidly. In a really good way. My confidence is up, I have been making decisions based on what I want and not other people tell me I should do. My self -image has never been better. (This is HUGE) I have lost friendships, which was really difficult, but it turns out that it was for the best. (Bye, Bye negativity.) I have honestly never felt better in my life. I plan on keeping it this way, and I have instituted the following motto for 2019, borrowed from a very good friend:
Zero Fucks Given.
Boom. That’s it. No expectations. I am going to live life everyday, and not worry about what other people think. I am going to be me, and if someone doesn’t like it, they can move on. I am going to sing, like I am the best singer in the world. I have the voice but not the confidence. Not anymore. I am going to write everyday and not care if everyone will like it or not. I am not going to be everyone’s cup of tea, and I am going to finally accept that’s ok. I am me, and I am awesome.
I am going to date without needed to pour myself into a relationship status. Who has time for that? I am going to have fun, and be me. Meet some great people, have great experiences, and love. Not the happily ever after love, but the you are important to me, and I care about you love. I am going to tell people I love them, and often. I am going to speak my mind and see what happens. Things could get interesting. We shall see.
I am looking forward to 2019 with an open heart and an open mind. This is going to be my year, I can feel it!
I challenge you to find your motto for 2019 and live it everyday. Let’s do this!