Say Something

“We shouldn’t have to out ourselves as survivors in order for people to grasp the magnitude of how systematic assault and harassment are.”

~Laura Witt

On Friday night I was sexually assaulted, and I almost let it go.  Sexual assault is a big umbrella, one that I am all too familiar with.  I have always been quiet, not one to talk and say things. An easy target, especially when I was younger.  Now, I am 36 and still, I find it hard to say things, or even force myself to recognize that it even happened.  It’s easier to ignore it. Easier not to deal with it. Not this time.

I have a following on here, be it a little one, but if one person reads it that needs to see this, then it will be worth the uncomfortableness of talking about it.

It was our 3rd date.  We had already had sex so that wasn’t even a worry for me.  We hung out, watched movies. Well, things progressed they way that they do.  Now, there is something specific that I will not do sexually. I just don’t like. Period. I am upfront and honest with everyone about it.  It is a hard no. NO.

I reminded him of this, and he verbally agreed that he understood.  Well. After about an hour of fooling around, and me reminding him three times,  he held me down and forced me to do it. I said no, and tried to push him away. All he said was sorry.  

Now here is the important part that even I need to keep reminding myself of.  I 100% consented to having sex with him that night. I 100% consented to do anything except this one act.  To that, I said no. I said no and he forced me to do it anyway. That is sexual assault. That is not ok. To make matters worse, it took me three days to even realize it.  

3 Days.

If I had been raped, three days is enough time to wash any DNA that might be there away.  I know this, yet I still did nothing. In Jr High, when I teacher assaulted me, I said nothing.  In highschool, when my teacher touched me, I said nothing. 8 years ago, when I was raped by a guy I was dating, I didn’t say anything for five whole years.  Then all of it just came out in a therapy session and I was crying so much that I couldn’t breathe. Complex PTSD they said. Lovely another diagnosis.

Don’t make the same mistakes I did and live quietly for years suffering in silence.  Do something, say something.

Now this guy won’t leave me alone,  He keeps messaging me, even though I have blocked him, he found a way through.  I have been brushing it all off, but I just keep getting this feeling inside that something is wrong.  Something is wrong, and for the first time I am going to do something about it.

Every state has a Sexual Assault hotline.  In NH, it is 1-800-227-5570, and I called it.  Within 5 minutes an advocate called me back. It was helpful to talk about it with someone and have them validate that my feelings were real and valid.  She is finding me some information and calling me back. I don’t know if anything will come of it, but I feel better knowing that I told someone what happened and that it was validated that it wasn’t something I was making up in my head.

I am still upset with myself for not taking it more seriously.  If we can’t stick up for ourselves, then who will?

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I Had A Revelation


Who knows what a little
A little love can change?
I know just a little
A little love will change you


Meet me in the middle
In the middle we can meet again
If we meet in the middle
I know you’ll love me til the end

~Josh Farro, Paramore

You know those times in your life when you are going through a bunch of crap and you can’t really figure out why you feel the way you do?  Then out of nowhere, Poof! You figure it out. I call this a revelation. They don’t happen very often, but when they do, it’s awesome! I had one last night, and now I don’t know if I feel better or worse.

I have been having so much fun dating, just having a blast, no strings attached.  Being my own person and meeting some great people, but since I fell into “like” with Mr. Dammit, (See my post, Dammit), things have been weird.  I am no longer satisfied with just dating, I need more and I didn’t understand why this came out of nowhere.  Now I do… I don’t need a relationship, I need intimacy. Or maybe both, I don’t know.

I learned very quickly after my divorce 10 years ago that sex and intimacy do not always go together.  I understand, that for some people they have to, but for me, nope. They are two very, very different things, and I can easily have one without the other.  I have been living in blissful ignorance of how important intimacy is to me and now that I know, I can’t get it out of my head.

I need touch: holding hands in the car, cuddling on the couch watching a movie, or laying in bed, legs tangled together just talking about random things.

Forehead Kisses. (So important it gets its own line).

I will say it again, forehead kisses.

I need someone who plays with my hair absentmindedly, texts me just to tell me they are thinking of me, and NOT how excited they are to have sex with me.  See the difference?

My last boyfriend spoiled me.  Not with things, but with love and feelings and touch.  He always told me to wear my seat belt (something I never do, bad I know).  He wasn’t telling me what to do, but expressing that he cared for my safety, so I did.  He could talk me out of bed on bad days, which is not an easy task. At restaurants we would hold hands across the table, we were almost always touching in someway.  I miss that.

I know that everyone is different, but intimacy is intimacy.  I was doing just fine until Mr. Dammit. With him, I had intimacy.  I don’t know how, time was so limited, but it was there nonetheless, and now I remember what it feels like and I am craving it again.


“It is not time or opportunity that is to determine intimacy;—it is disposition alone. Seven years would be insufficient to make some people acquainted with each other, and seven days are more than enough for others.”


~Jane Austen, Sense and Sensibility

So now that I have this information, I need to figure out what I am going to do with it.  My first impulse was to stop talking to everyone I have been hanging out with, but that seemed rash, so I didn’t do that.  I really need to take inventory (silly word, I know) and see if there is potential there, and if not, move on.. Sounds harsh, but in the end it is about me, and what makes me happy.  If I don’t make changes, then I will live in the same unhappy place forever.

Wish me luck!

Dammit


“People aren’t even dating anymore, just talking, catching feelings, sleeping together, and ending up in situationships”

~Unknown

I was doing great.  I had a terrible breakup in August, but I was recovering, finding myself and having so much fun dating.  True, I was a little bit, ahem, active, but hell guys do it, why can’t we! I was having a blast. Then it happened.  Feelings. Dammit.

No one is perfect, but he is perfect for me.  He is tall, dark, handsome, and a witch! I mean seriously.  We have a lot in common and it was like that feeling that we have known each other forever.  Comfortable, you know? He sings karaoke (Like OMG he is damn good) and even did a Grease duet with me (Like, really??).  Our pillow talk was about involved things like Chernobyl and serial killers. Amazing. Then I did the thing I promised myself  I wouldn’t do. I dropped my guard and I let myself feel. First guy I have let myself feel for since my big break up, and it happened way to fast.  Dammit.

He disappeared on me once, a few weeks after we started hanging out the first time..  I let it go, there was a twinge of pain, but nothing to write home about. Then at Yule, he came back.  One single message from him and I was right back to where I was. Smiling like an idiot for days. Dammit.

We had the best date, we went singing then hung out and cuddled.  It was perfect. I let him sleep over… I don’t let anyone sleep over, ever.  Ever. It was a big step for me, and now it is also a big step back. Trust is hard for me, and it is easy to break, not forever, just a little bump.  I hate that I feel this way. Dammit.

Now, to be clear, I was not trying to relationship him.  We both have stuff going on and we are wicked busy, but the potential was there for the future and I felt, at the very least, we I had found someone to cuddle with when I needed it.  Now that is gone. Dammit.

He didn’t disappear, he was honest. He needs to figure out what is going on with someone who is not me.  I appreciate his honesty. He still would like to be friends, I am open, but I am not going to put myself out there because I know it won’t end well.  I love the time that I got to have with him. I still think he is in my life for a reason. Maybe not in a romantic way, but it some way. Witch’s intuition, and I am sticking to it, dammit.

This whole thing has really got me thinking.  I might be ready for a relationship. I got really upset yesterday and through my tears I said I was done dating, but to be honest, that’s not possible.  To find a mate, you have to date! (See what I did there?) I don’t want to rush anything, but I am ready for more than a hookup. I am ready to be loved, dammit, and I deserve it!

The Question Game


“ Sometimes the more you get to know a person, the more attractive they become.”

~Unknown

The Question Game has been apart of my life since probably freshman year in high school.  My girlfriends and I would get together on a Friday night, play twister in the driveway while waiting for the hot pizza guy, and ask each other questions that we had to answer honestly.  Kind of like the truth part of Truth or Dare. We played it all the time. It was super fun, and I good way to see secrets we are holding.  Nowadays, when the girls and I get together, we still play, only this time we drink wine and things get a lot more interesting.

Since I have started dating again, I have brought back The Question Game.  This game is only for those who I believe have potential for a relationship. (Because otherwise, who cares!) I bought a book called The Secret Me: A Questionnaire Journal from Amazon.  It is written by Shane Windham, and he has a bunch of other similar type journals that I can’t wait to try.  

It is very much an adult book.  It asks questions on anything from sex to morals and values.  The game is easy, someone asks a question, we both answer and discuss, then we switch.  The game continues for as long as you want, it usually goes longer when booze is involved. (It is also WAY more fun.)

I enjoy it because it is a low key way to get to know each other.  It asks questions that you wouldn’t normally think to ask during the get to know you phase, and it does so in a really fun way!

Check out Shane Windham, he’s pretty awesome, and comment below  how you get to know your potential partners!

2019 for the Win!


“We have started a new book.  12 new chapters and 365 new pages to make a difference, who will you be?”


~SLK

The past few years have been rough. Like wow.  Mental health wise, life wise, everything. It has been a constant uphill battle and I have felt that I have been swimming against the current. (It brings Just Keep Swimming to a whole new level)  Well, this year will be different.

Since my hospital stay I have been finding myself changing pretty rapidly.  In a really good way. My confidence is up, I have been making decisions based on what I want and not other people tell me I should do.  My self -image has never been better. (This is HUGE) I have lost friendships, which was really difficult, but it turns out that it was for the best. (Bye, Bye negativity.)  I have honestly never felt better in my life. I plan on keeping it this way, and I have instituted the following motto for 2019, borrowed from a very good friend:

Zero Fucks Given.

Boom. That’s it.  No expectations. I am going to live life everyday, and not worry about what other people think.  I am going to be me, and if someone doesn’t like it, they can move on. I am going to sing, like I am the best singer in the world.  I have the voice but not the confidence. Not anymore. I am going to write everyday and not care if everyone will like it or not. I am not going to be everyone’s cup of tea, and I am going to finally accept that’s ok.  I am me, and I am awesome.

I am going to date without needed to pour myself into a relationship status. Who has time for that? I am going to have fun, and be me. Meet some great people, have great experiences, and love.  Not the happily ever after love, but the you are important to me, and I care about you love. I am going to tell people I love them, and often.  I am going to speak my mind and see what happens. Things could get interesting. We shall see.

I am looking forward to 2019 with an open heart and an open mind.  This is going to be my year, I can feel it!

I challenge you to find your motto for 2019 and live it everyday.  Let’s do this!

I Can’t Help Falling in Love With You


“With the right music, you either forget everything or remember everything.”


~Unknown

Music has a way to clinging to memories, or memories cling to music, I’m not sure which.  So many times in my life, I hear a song and I am transported to a moment in time and I experience the same emotions that I did back then.  One of my strongest memories is linked with I Can’t Help Falling in Love With You, by Elvis Presley.  The thought of it makes me smile.

I was 15 years old, and madly in love (as much as a high school girl can be) with a boy we will call Geno, because that is his name.  His blue eyes, wow. Anyway, I liked him for months and did all the silly high school girl stuff, like blushing when I saw him, putting myself in the right hallways so that he was sure to see me, writing endless notes to my friends about him.  All of it. I was sure that he didn’t notice me. We had mutual friends and hung out in the same circle, but I was invisible. Or so I thought.

Our circle of friends were all very involved in our church. (Yes, this witch was Catholic.)  Every year the church did a themed dinner for all of the volunteers and the youth group would work the event.  This year, it was a 1950s theme. All of the girls wore poodle skirts and the boys wore jeans with tee shirts with rolled up sleeves.  We all looked so great and it was a fantastic night.

After dinner was done, we had a dance. I was rather shy so I didn’t really dance with any boys.  My friend was across the dance floor and waved me over. The song comes on, I am walking across the dance floor when someone grabs my arm.  I look over my shoulder and he pulls me into his arms for a dance. Geno. Even thinking about it now I makes me smile like a schoolgirl.

Nothing ever came from it, when never dated, but he made my night. The funny part is, he probably doesn’t even remember.  I don’t care, I will remember it fondly forever. Whenever I hear that song, I go back to that dance, and I smile.

What is your favorite music memory?

Beautiful Inside and Out


“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection”


~Buddha

I have had to deal with low self-esteem issues since I was an early teen.  I was anorexic for a good part of high school because I was disgusted with the way I looked.  I felt unworthy of attention, yet it was something I craved. There was no affection anywhere in my life, I was alone yet surrounded by people.  Looking back, I was wrong, I was beautiful. I just wish I had known better. Life might have been different.

Now, I am older, and a curvy girl. The self-esteem was not getting any better, in fact, it was getting worse.  Every time I looked in the mirror I just wanted to cry.  Losing weight is difficult because of the bipolar meds and the PCOS. Another thing to add to the list of things that make me feel bad about myself.  Then 2018 happened and everything changed.

I broke up with a long term boyfriend and entered the world of dating.  I started dating this wonderful man. Like really wonderful. Wow. We dated for about 6 months and it was a wonderful time.  He was so loving and affectionate. He was always playing with my hair (hint to guys, do this, girls love it), holding my hand, and telling me how beautiful I was.  Beautiful? Eh, not really sure about that one, but it was nice to hear.

Overtime, and very slowly, he calmed me down.  I know longer jumped when he touched me. (If a man was ever physical with you, you understand) he would put his hand on my tummy (my least favorite part of my body) and tell me over and over I was beautiful and worthy of love.  Eventually, my thought process started to change. Now to be clear, he didn’t change me, he helped me change myself.

Since moving on from that relationship, I have kept the momentum going.  If someone tells me I’m beautiful, or gives me another compliment, instead of brushing it off with a “No, I am really not” I just say thank you. I say thank you and take is as sincere.  It was hard at first, but it is getting easier.

This is not an overnight fix, but I probably feel more confident about myself than I ever have.  I am beautiful, and I figure if I say it enough times it will stick. I am also awesome, and I am not afraid to tell everyone (I am very modest).

I want to say thank you. Thank you to the people in my life that put up with my low self-esteem for so long.  Thank you for those who took the time to help me feel better about myself, and most of all, thank you to myself for being open to this change.

Here’s to ongoing progress, and acceptance of myself.  

Demand Respect


“Online dating is just as murky and full of lemons as finding a used car in the classifieds. Once you learn the lingo, it’s easier to spot the models with high mileage and no warranty.”


~Laurie Perry

Online dating these past few months has been an interesting experience.  I have met some really great people, and some really terrible people. I have also learned a lot about myself, and what I bring to the table; most importantly, what I am, and am not looking for.

Admittedly, I have a terrible track record.  I have not made the best choices in relationships, and have ended up in some not so great situations.  We live and learn… boy have I learned. Now, I am starting to realize that I deserve to be treated with respect and I choose to spend my time with those that feel the same.  However, sometimes, someone sneaks through the cracks.

For example:  Last Friday I had coffee with a great guy.  He was younger then I usually like, but he was sweet, so I figured I would meet him and see what happened.  He seemed like a great guy, I really enjoyed our time together. As we were leaving, we decided that we would see each other on Monday after work.  We had planned to have dinner and watch Forensic Files. Sounds like the perfect date, right?

I messaged him Monday afternoon to see if we were still on.  I was a little under the weather but since it was a low key night, I was still game.  He confirmed, saying that he would call me at 5pm to coordinate details. Ok, great. I started to get ready, and 5 o’clock rolls around, 5:30, 6:00… ok, now I am annoyed.  At 6:45pm I get a message saying “How are you?” Really? That’s what you come up with?

Now I should explain, girls don’t like to be kept waiting.  Especially if they are dressed and ready to go. I understand that things comes up, I really do, but communicate!  In this case, nothing came up. He apparently just didn’t think it was important enough to pay attention too. Old me, would have just dismissed it and went on with the date.  Now? No way. I laid into him good. He should be respectful of people’s time, and I let him know it. Needless to say, I did not go through with the date, and I am fairly certain that I won’t hear from him again.  His loss.

Dating is hard, and it is important that women (including me!) know their worth and don’t stand for bull shit.  Stand up for yourself and demand that you be treated respectfully. You deserve it, we all do.