A witch at Christmas

“All the best stories have witches in them.”


Being the only public witch in the family can be hard especially because I choose not to hide it.  I have more of the attitude of “I’m a witch dudes, get over it.”. No one in the family celebrates Yule, or even recognizes it as a holiday. It is Christmas all the way. Even though Christians pretty much took over Yule and made it into Christmas. Like really? Yule Log has Yule IN THE NAME, but that’s a whole other post. I know they don’t understand, but still, it’s unfulfilling.  I am slowly figuring about little ways to sneak some Yule into the mix. Mostly so I don’t go insane.

This year, I gave all of my nieces and nephew crystals for Christmas.  We had a conversation about three weeks ago about how everyone has a birth crystal that corresponds with the zodiac calendar. They seemed really excited about it so I went with it.  They all got a polished stone and a raw stone so they could see the difference. I also added selinate to charge them, and a necklace to wear them.

My 8 year old niece, (the witchling), was over the moon.  So I went further and explained all the properties and what she can use the stones for, she got Jade and Emerald. (Expensive child)  I also explained that she can put all of the crystals on her windowsill on the full moon to cleanse and charge them. Her face was priceless.  It made my heart so happy. We now have a deal that I have to call her on everything full moon and remind her.

Then, something happened that made my entire holiday.  My family is really large, so we chose names for Secret Santa.  My sister-in-law picked me. When it was my turn she handed me two gifts.  The first, and kick ass Harry Potter light. Woot! The second, almost made me cry.  Inside the box, gently wrapped, was a large beautiful piece of raw rose quartz. To go further, she researched the meanings and wrote them down on a piece of paper and at the bottom wrote, “Happy Yule”.  I don’t think there are words to describe my feelings at that moment. I simple thank you, did not seem enough, but it is all I had.

That crystal will have a special place on my altar always, because it truly is a crystal of love.  I will always remember the year that someone in my family remember Yule, and the fact that it is an important part of my life.  Dear sister-in-law, you made my holiday season, thank you so much.

So this year, I was a witch at Christmas, and someone remembered.


Me and my mania.

Bipolar disorder means waking up not knowing whether Tigger or Eeyore will be making your decisions for you.


Mania.  It really is the best feeling ever, there is nothing like it. It can last for hours, days, weeks or even months.  I feel happy, genuinely happy, an emotion that I don’t feel often. I am full of energy, I am getting stuff done. I am focused, yet easily distracted (Squirrel!). Hence why I have been writing this post for three days.  I spend too much money (So much shopping!), and not enough sleep (Thank you 4:30 am!). I also often get tattoos or piercings. Sometimes these decisions are great, other times not so much. Luckily, this time, my promiscuity is in check… for now.  The three keys to my mania, sex, spending, and pain.

I talk to fast and often stumble over my words because my mouth cannot keep up with my brain and all its ideas.  These ideas, of course, are the best ideas ever. All of them, and they all need to be done right now. Without plan and without haste.  In reality though, they are usually not great and I have to deal with the fall out afterwards.

I can’t sit still.  I am constantly tapping my foot, clicking my pen, basically driving everyone around me crazy.  To me, it’s normal, and it feels good. Everything feels good, and if it doesn’t, I search harder for the things that do.  The choices I make, they are usually out of character. It is like I am two people at times. The fun one who does what she wants, and the depressed one that is drowning in emotions.  Luckily, manic episodes only come every so often, and I have not had a one this intense since July.

July was a mess, no good came from July.  I was completely manic through the entire death of my grandfather.  There were no tears, there was no feelings. I was bouncy, and helpfully, but with no emotion on the inside.  I am still trying to grieve and it is a difficult process. So many things happened over the summer that when the inevitable crash happened, I ended up in the hospital.  A first for me.

The worst part of a manic episode is knowing that it won’t last forever.  Knowing that the crash is coming, the great fall to depression. It hurts, sometimes for a very long time.  I find myself praying that my mania will last. Like now, I just want it to last through Christmas, I can’t crash for Christmas.  I have way too much to do, people are depending on me.

I have often said that the hardest part of having bipolar disorder is that I never know if I am really happy or not.  Am I having a good day, or or am I getting elevated. Once it starts, there is nothing I can do. I can try to be aware, I can try to make little changes to keep myself in check, but it is often useless.  When I am manic, I just don’t care. I do what I want, when I want to with no regrets. Ever.

Bipolar disorder is like living on a roller coaster.  Sometimes you are up, sometimes you are down, occasionally you are at baseline.  All I can do is use my CBT & DBT skills the best I can to limit the damage. However, if given the option, I don’t think I would change a thing.  Yea, it’s really hard, but it is apart of me. It makes me who I am. I am creative, spastic, and unique. I look at the world differently than most people.  I am badass because of everything I have been through. And with everything that I have been through, I am still standing. The best part? There is no one in the world like me, and that is a great feeling.

I have bipolar disorder, it does not have me.

e.l.f. Pore Refining Brush and Mask Tool ~ Review

“Glow is the essence of beauty.”

~Esteè Lauder

I am pretty lucky to have great skin, especially when I take care of it.  To be honest though, easy is better these days. I do a face mask every two weeks or so, but I would do it more if it was less messy.  I have long nails, and getting the clay out of them is a huge pain. Might sound like a small thing, but I just can’t be bothered some days.

I buy a lot of my cosmetics from e.l.f., at their website eyeslipsface.com.  Prices are amazing and they are usually running a free gift which is a great way to try new products.  I have been happy with pretty much everything I have bought over the years, but their Pore Refining Brush and Mask Tool? Life changing.

It never occured to me that using a brush to put on a mask was a real thing, but it is, and it is awesome.  This brush has two ends, the top is a green soft silicone like material, that kind of looks like a flat paintbrush.  This side is used for applying the mask. The bottom is a stiff bristle brush, used to help remove the dried mask.

Tonight, I broke out my favorite mask, and popped in a chick flick.  I finally get to use my new Pore Refining Brush and Mask Tool! Yay! Applying the mask was so easy; using the brush allowed a nice, thin, even application while using less product.  Best part? My fingers stayed perfectly clay free! Now to let it dry (this is where the chick flick comes in). Once dry, I used the bottom end of the brush. I held it under water then gently moved in circles over the mask, breaking up the hard brush.  I kept adding water to the brush as I move over the face. By the end, it only took one wipe with a wet cloth and my face was clean, very soft, and fresh looking.

Now at this point, even though I washed it thoroughly with water, the white bristles at the bottom end were green, I had been worried about this.  However, I used my brush cleaner 3 times and it was back to pretty white! This made me very happy (It really doesn’t take much).

Over all, I am over-the-moon with this brush and I would highly recommend it to anyone who uses masks on a regular basis.

🌛 🌛 🌛 🌛 🌛

Find it here!

e.l.f. Mask Brush

Blessed Solstice, Merry Yule

See the gray skies overhead, preparing the way
for the bright sun soon to come.
See the gray skies overhead, preparing the way,
for the world to awake once more.
See the gray skies overhead, preparing the way
for the longest night of the year.
See the gray skies overhead, preparing the way
for the sun to finally return,
bringing with it light and warmth.”


The holidays, (dramatic sigh) they are rough, but this year I feel like a whole different person.  I am currently taking a course called The Wheel of the Year, with Christopher Penczak at the Temple of Witchcraft in Salem, NH. It is amazing and you should totally take it.  In the course, he asks a lot of questions about how we practice the Sabbots ourselves. I quickly realized that something was missing. So, I have decided to not only take this opportunity to learn about the Sabbots, but to find out what they mean to me, and how I will celebrate them.

Celebrating Yule has never felt complete, then Christmas comes, and that doesn’t feel right either.  How can I possibly get through the holidays successfully if I am not celebrating that way that I need to?  So I started my Wheel of the Year journey at the beginning, with Yule.

Yule, the birth of the Sun God, and the return of the light.  Every year I have focused on the light, this year, some great witches reminded me that it is about sitting in the darkness and allowing the light to come.  I got excited. I was finally taking charge of my path. I will sit in the darkness and I will come out the other side better than before.

I thought all day about what my holiday should feel like.  I decided to do the entire ritual silent, speaking the words only in my heart.  I decorated my Yule altar with candles, jingle bells, a beautiful flower chain. I cleaned the space with sage, and then, incense for the full moon.  Having a Full Moon on Yule is very rare and I am honored be able to start my journey of the Wheel of the Year on one.

The focus was to be on Christopher Penczak’s Thirteen Days of Yule meditation ritual, (that is available on the Temple of Witchcraft’s Page : Here.)  The original 12 Days of Christmas.  I started on Yule night, and my last night will be New Year’s Eve.  Finally! Something connecting Yule to Christmas, just what I needed.

Now I had a base plan, and a map to build off of (go me!).  Next, I made a list of the things that I love the most about the holiday season.  Singing carols was at the very top. I haven’t really had a place to sing carols since made Catholic to Witch switch, and chants don’t give me the same warm fuzzy feelings.  So, I messaged my Dad asking if they do anything with carols at his church. Tada! Singing Carols on Christmas Eve. New tradition. Probably don’t hear that from a witch very often!  

So I have my map of the holiday.  My altar is set, my candles are burning I lay out on my yoga mat for meditation, and of course I have the cat licking my toes.  Wouldn’t be Yule without that. I go through Christopher’s guided meditation; after returning, I allowed myself to journey to where I needed to go.  I was not surprised when I appeared at the door of my Shadow. Yule = Shadow work? Apparently so.

It was nothing like I thought it would be, my Yule, but it is perfect.  It is where I need to be and what I needed to be doing. I have found the first step on my journey; I have found my Yule.

Blessed Solstice

Yule, December 21st 2018

Everybody cut footloose!

Hey, hey! What’s this I see? I thought this was a party. LET’S DANCE!

~Ren, Footloose

Ever have one of those days where you feel like you are failing at adulting? Yup, that was me today.  That is me a lot lately, but I guess that’s what happens when you change everything in your life all at once.  Today, though, I was really feeling it.

You know that feeling when you are driving home at the end of the day and you feel like crying? Yup, I was there too.  Real tears. Delilah’s radio show on, realizing that my headlight still needs to be fixed.  One more thing on the list. Then, it happens. Those first few beats burst through my car speakers, and I just have to smile and turn up the volume.  Footloose.  Instantly, my mood shifts.  I find myself dancing and singing in my seat, surely putting on quite the show.  I don’t care one bit. I feel this song to my core.

If you have not yet seen this 1984 classic with Kevin Bacon, I suggest that you stop reading, go watch the movie, delight in its awesomeness, then come back here so we can fangirl it up.  Basically, Ren McCormack has a bunch of bad stuff happen, and ends up in a town that doesn’t allow rock music or dancing. (WTF, right?). I wouldn’t survive. Seriously. Anyway, he has a hard time, obviously, and at one point of frustration, he drives to an abandoned warehouse, turns up the rock and dances it out.  Go Ren. Did it fix everything? Nope. Did he feel better? Sure did.

I’m like Ren right now.  A bunch of bad stuff happened and I needed to just turn up the music, and sing it out.  Did it fix everything? Nope. Did it help? Sure did. (See what I did there?) This song also reminded me of something else, the light at the end of the tunnel.  What happens at the end? (Spoiler!!) Does the town of no music and dancing live in sadness forever? No way! Enter big final dance number! Everyone dances at the prom with so much pent up excitement, and there is glitter flying all around.  Footloose.  “I’ve got this feeling, time’s just holding me down” leads to, “lose your blues, everybody cut, footloose”!

Well, I don’t know about you, but I feel much better.

Thank you Delilah for reminding me that everything is better with music.  

“I’m turning loose, footloose!”

Your soul is like a landscape fantasy…

“Music is the silence between the notes.”

~Claude Debussy

Clair de Lune is one of my favorite classical music pieces.  It was the third and probably most famous work from Claude Debussy.  Many people, however, don’t know the origin of this beautiful work of art.

Clair de Lune, or Moonlight, is a poem by Paul Verlaine, author of Nevermore.  It was featured in Verlaine’s work  Fêtes galantes, in 1869.  

Clair de Lune ~ Moonlight

Votre âme est un paysage choisi ~ Your soul is like a landscape fantasy,
Que vont charmant masques et bergamasques ~ Where masks and Bergamasks, in charming wise,
Jouant du luth et dansant et quasi ~ Strum lutes and dance, just a bit sad to be
Tristes sous leurs déguisements fantasques.~Hidden beneath their fanciful disguise.

Tout en chantant sur le mode mineur ~Singing in minor mode of life’s largesse
L’amour vainqueur et la vie opportune, ~ And all-victorious love, they yet seem quite
Ils n’ont pas l’air de croire à leur bonheur ~ Reluctant to believe their happiness,
Et leur chanson se mêle au clair de lune, ~ And their song mingles with the pale moonlight,

Au calme clair de lune triste et beau, ~ The calm, pale moonlight, whose sad beauty, beaming,
Qui fait rêver les oiseaux dans les arbres ~ Sets the birds softly dreaming in the trees,
Et sangloter d’extase les jets d’eau, ~ And makes the marbled fountains, gushing, streaming–
Les grands jets d’eau sveltes parmi les marbres. ~ Slender jet-fountains–sob their ecstasies.

Debussy added the work to his movement, Suite Bergamasque, in 1905 taking inspiration from the French Baroque period from the 17th and early 18th century.  Debussy is considered one of the leaders of French Impressionism, normally a term used for visual art, in this case it is meant to describe the use of harmony and texture to represent light and color.

I ask that you listen to Clair de Lune, and if you are so called, the entire Suite Bergamasque.  Close your eyes, and really feel the music, the moonlight shining down upon you.  Then listen to it while reading the poem and let me know what you think.

Visit my blog again next Wednesday for more music!

Mccallum, S. (2018, December 06). Decoding the Music Masterpieces: Debussy’s Clair de Lune. Retrieved from http://theconversation.com/decoding-the-music-masterpieces-debussys-clair-de-lune-79765

Demand Respect

“Online dating is just as murky and full of lemons as finding a used car in the classifieds. Once you learn the lingo, it’s easier to spot the models with high mileage and no warranty.”

~Laurie Perry

Online dating these past few months has been an interesting experience.  I have met some really great people, and some really terrible people. I have also learned a lot about myself, and what I bring to the table; most importantly, what I am, and am not looking for.

Admittedly, I have a terrible track record.  I have not made the best choices in relationships, and have ended up in some not so great situations.  We live and learn… boy have I learned. Now, I am starting to realize that I deserve to be treated with respect and I choose to spend my time with those that feel the same.  However, sometimes, someone sneaks through the cracks.

For example:  Last Friday I had coffee with a great guy.  He was younger then I usually like, but he was sweet, so I figured I would meet him and see what happened.  He seemed like a great guy, I really enjoyed our time together. As we were leaving, we decided that we would see each other on Monday after work.  We had planned to have dinner and watch Forensic Files. Sounds like the perfect date, right?

I messaged him Monday afternoon to see if we were still on.  I was a little under the weather but since it was a low key night, I was still game.  He confirmed, saying that he would call me at 5pm to coordinate details. Ok, great. I started to get ready, and 5 o’clock rolls around, 5:30, 6:00… ok, now I am annoyed.  At 6:45pm I get a message saying “How are you?” Really? That’s what you come up with?

Now I should explain, girls don’t like to be kept waiting.  Especially if they are dressed and ready to go. I understand that things comes up, I really do, but communicate!  In this case, nothing came up. He apparently just didn’t think it was important enough to pay attention too. Old me, would have just dismissed it and went on with the date.  Now? No way. I laid into him good. He should be respectful of people’s time, and I let him know it. Needless to say, I did not go through with the date, and I am fairly certain that I won’t hear from him again.  His loss.

Dating is hard, and it is important that women (including me!) know their worth and don’t stand for bull shit.  Stand up for yourself and demand that you be treated respectfully. You deserve it, we all do.

…fire burn and cauldron bubble…

Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn and cauldron bubble.
Fillet of a fenny snake,
In the cauldron boil and bake;
Eye of newt and toe of frog,
Wool of bat and tongue of dog,
Adder’s fork and blind-worm’s sting,
Lizard’s leg and howlet’s wing,
For a charm of powerful trouble,
Like a hell-broth boil and bubble.

Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn and cauldron bubble.
Cool it with a baboon’s blood,
Then the charm is firm and good

~William Shakespeare, Macbeth.

As i write this, my kitchen looks like a bomb of sugar and salt exploded and the scent of lavender has overtaken the house.  My normally organized library is filled with finished product and all the needed packaging. I have been infusing lavender oil for the past hour in my double boiler and it looks so good.  Tonight has been a night of creativity. I am far from done, just taking a little break to write. Christmas music sets the scene and I feel my yuletide cheer finally arriving. I feel great.

The fact that I am starting a business is really starting to set it.  Making product is a huge step. Now I just need to take the product photos and they will be up on the etsy site.  Slowly my to-do list is being checked off and things are starting to come together. There have been a few bumps, tonight included.  I just have to laugh.

I have been making bath products for the better part of 10 years.  I don’t work from a recipe most of the time; I use my kitchen witch skills and just go with the flow.  Well, sometimes that leads to mistakes. Thankfully I caught them before it was to late.

First off, I was making my bath bombs.  They were not forming correctly and when adding the wet ingredients, it didn’t fizz at all… strange.  Well, I forgot the fizzing ingredient. The thing that makes it a freaking bath bomb. Then, I am mixing the sugar for the scrubs. Every single bag or packet of sugar in my house is hard as a rock.  Maybe my house is to dry? I don’t know. Going to the store covered head to toe with white powdery substances was pretty fun. The cashier didn’t know what to think.

I have so many more things to do.  I need to figure out how to store everything: product, packaging, ingredients etc. Trying to remind myself to take it one step at a time.  

With that, I am back at it! Wish me luck!

Creepers are everywhere.

“Social Media, noun
A term to describe the current state of the Internet and the place where the consumers’ attention is.”

~Gary Vaynerchuk

When online dating, you get your fair share of creepy people.  Those looking for hookups, begging to come over, constant messages, and the holy grail, the unsolicited dick pics.  Seriously. Dudes, just stop. You would think that months of online dating would prepare me for the world of advertising on social media.  Nope. Instagram creepers, bring yuck to a whole new level.

Don’t get me wrong, 99.9% of my followers are amazing, but it is that damn 1% that makes me lose my faith in humanity. Yes, it really is that bad.  Below is a list of my creepy interactions on Instagram for the last two weeks.

Those people who follow you and like every single one of your 350 posts since 2013.  Really? I appreciate the enthusiasm, but who has that kind of time?

The bots! They are the best, and they never go away.  View my webcam here! Click on this link! Free chat! Nope.

This one was great, and I quote (grammar and all). “ I like what I see on your profile and I’ll like you to me my sugar baby.  I have been divorced for 2 years now! Willing to pay $500 weekly.” What exactly am I doing on my profile that would make you think I want a sugar daddy?  Please tell me so I can stop.

Buy my (enter dirty product, service, body, etc here).  No, I don’t want any of that, none of it, you creepy man.

Where do you live? Um… nice try.

Do you want to make money? Well yea, but that is kind of vague.  

This one was the worst.  He said he was deployed overseas with the Army and wanted someone to talk to.  Then, he said he wanted me to be his woman.  Weird.  A few searches and it turns out he was lying.  There is a special place in hell for you sir.

All of this in 14 days… it really is impressive.  Thank you to all of my awesome followers, and to you creepers…. Just stop.

Follow me on Instagram here!

Don’t ever give people power over you.

“Healing doesn’t mean the damage never existed.  It means the damage no longer controls our lives”


Truth: I don’t always make the best decisions.  I am an overthinker, but not in the way most people are.  I make rash decisions and then worry about them afterwards.  Backwards, but it is pretty consistent with me. This is something that I have recently discovered about myself and I am pretty proud of the revelation.  Of course, even this goes out the window when I am manic. Everything is a great idea, in fact it’s the best idea ever. Never in the world has there been an idea better than this one.  Those decisions, even scarier, I never overthink. However, I do take responsibility for them.

Of course, after a mania comes the inevitable crash. Depression. I can’t get out of bed, I am empty.  I isolate, hid away in my bed away from people, everyone. Even those closest to me cannot help. I don’t let them in.  Not until I am back on the upswing, which happens every time, but when I am depressed, I feel like it is never going to get better.  And then it does, and the world is right again.

Of course, this is just a part of me.  It is not my identity. I deal with it everyday, and it comes with positives as well.  I am creative, so creative. I see the world in a childlike way at times. I get excited at the little things, and it can be infections.  I make people smile. I love, deeply, with my whole heart. I am artsy with my poetry and music, and I to share myself with those around me.  I have reached a place in my life where it is getting easier to be me. I am tired of trying to be what everyone else wants me to be. I am me, flaws and all.  I am full of so much life and love, and is about time I embrace it.

Over the summer, I was in a pretty bad place.  Life kind of blew up and I didn’t, couldn’t handle it on my own.  I resisted getting the help that I needed because of the stigma. I didn’t want to be “that girl”, the crazy one, the one people whisper about.  The weak one. Well, it got to a point where I no longer had a choice to make and I ended up in the hospital. It is one of the best things I have ever done for myself and I couldn’t have done it alone.  It is times like these where you really learn who your friends are, and more importantly, who are not.  To make matters worse, I allowed those who are not, have power over me.  Over my actions, and over my emotions.  Not. Cool.

I’m still healing; I will always be healing, but I am so much better than I was before.  I am strong, and I have purpose and I recognize that. I am not weak, oh hell no, I am not weak.  I am the exact opposite. I am strong. I am loved. I have so much love to give, and now I know my own worth.  I am no longer going to give people power over me. I am no longer giving into the drama. I am better than that.  I need to stand up for myself, because no one is going to do it for me. Look out world, I am done being pushed around.  I am here and I am beautiful, strong, and just crazy enough to keep things interesting. ❤

…and she goes on.