I Can’t Help Falling in Love With You


“With the right music, you either forget everything or remember everything.”


~Unknown

Music has a way to clinging to memories, or memories cling to music, I’m not sure which.  So many times in my life, I hear a song and I am transported to a moment in time and I experience the same emotions that I did back then.  One of my strongest memories is linked with I Can’t Help Falling in Love With You, by Elvis Presley.  The thought of it makes me smile.

I was 15 years old, and madly in love (as much as a high school girl can be) with a boy we will call Geno, because that is his name.  His blue eyes, wow. Anyway, I liked him for months and did all the silly high school girl stuff, like blushing when I saw him, putting myself in the right hallways so that he was sure to see me, writing endless notes to my friends about him.  All of it. I was sure that he didn’t notice me. We had mutual friends and hung out in the same circle, but I was invisible. Or so I thought.

Our circle of friends were all very involved in our church. (Yes, this witch was Catholic.)  Every year the church did a themed dinner for all of the volunteers and the youth group would work the event.  This year, it was a 1950s theme. All of the girls wore poodle skirts and the boys wore jeans with tee shirts with rolled up sleeves.  We all looked so great and it was a fantastic night.

After dinner was done, we had a dance. I was rather shy so I didn’t really dance with any boys.  My friend was across the dance floor and waved me over. The song comes on, I am walking across the dance floor when someone grabs my arm.  I look over my shoulder and he pulls me into his arms for a dance. Geno. Even thinking about it now I makes me smile like a schoolgirl.

Nothing ever came from it, when never dated, but he made my night. The funny part is, he probably doesn’t even remember.  I don’t care, I will remember it fondly forever. Whenever I hear that song, I go back to that dance, and I smile.

What is your favorite music memory?

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You Can’t Have Roses Without the Thorns


“You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have roses.”


~Zig Ziglar

I was browsing Wish, (a shopping app with really cheap prices) and found this beautiful ring.  It was a set of two, one was a ring of thorns, and the other was thorns and a rose.  I ordered them and three months later, (they come from Asia), they arrived at my door. Yay!  Mail that is not a bill is always welcome in my home.

Now, I have really chubby fingers so I didn’t think it would fit, but it fits perfectly on my pinky finger. Woot!  Currently, I am choosing to wear the one with just the thorns. Here’s why. I am in a state of rebuilding myself. I experienced rock bottom this year, and I am digging my way back up and out.  I still have rough days, and days I just feel like crying. At times I hide, but now I allow myself to be there for a time, but I don’t unpack and live there. Living there doesn’t help me grow, and I am growing like a weed, or should I say bush!

This ring is a reminder that I am the thorn right now, prickly at times, but growing into a big bush of stabby things (it is much better than it sounds).  Sometimes, I prick myself and I bleed, but I wash it off and move on. Sometimes I prick others and they bleed, I do my best to make amends and we move on.  As the bush grows, the thorns and sharp ends become covered with vibrant green leaves that eventually grow beautiful flowers, the most loved flowers in the world.  Roses.

Life is a journey.  Sometimes it’s prickly and makes you bleed, and other times it is a beautiful flower that brushes against your skin softly comforting you.  Just like the seasons, the rose bush waxes and wanes like we do. Sometimes we are prickly and sometimes we are soft and comforting. No matter what , we always continue to grow, and that is the most important thing.  

We must always be growing.

Beautiful Inside and Out


“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection”


~Buddha

I have had to deal with low self-esteem issues since I was an early teen.  I was anorexic for a good part of high school because I was disgusted with the way I looked.  I felt unworthy of attention, yet it was something I craved. There was no affection anywhere in my life, I was alone yet surrounded by people.  Looking back, I was wrong, I was beautiful. I just wish I had known better. Life might have been different.

Now, I am older, and a curvy girl. The self-esteem was not getting any better, in fact, it was getting worse.  Every time I looked in the mirror I just wanted to cry.  Losing weight is difficult because of the bipolar meds and the PCOS. Another thing to add to the list of things that make me feel bad about myself.  Then 2018 happened and everything changed.

I broke up with a long term boyfriend and entered the world of dating.  I started dating this wonderful man. Like really wonderful. Wow. We dated for about 6 months and it was a wonderful time.  He was so loving and affectionate. He was always playing with my hair (hint to guys, do this, girls love it), holding my hand, and telling me how beautiful I was.  Beautiful? Eh, not really sure about that one, but it was nice to hear.

Overtime, and very slowly, he calmed me down.  I know longer jumped when he touched me. (If a man was ever physical with you, you understand) he would put his hand on my tummy (my least favorite part of my body) and tell me over and over I was beautiful and worthy of love.  Eventually, my thought process started to change. Now to be clear, he didn’t change me, he helped me change myself.

Since moving on from that relationship, I have kept the momentum going.  If someone tells me I’m beautiful, or gives me another compliment, instead of brushing it off with a “No, I am really not” I just say thank you. I say thank you and take is as sincere.  It was hard at first, but it is getting easier.

This is not an overnight fix, but I probably feel more confident about myself than I ever have.  I am beautiful, and I figure if I say it enough times it will stick. I am also awesome, and I am not afraid to tell everyone (I am very modest).

I want to say thank you. Thank you to the people in my life that put up with my low self-esteem for so long.  Thank you for those who took the time to help me feel better about myself, and most of all, thank you to myself for being open to this change.

Here’s to ongoing progress, and acceptance of myself.  

A witch at Christmas


“All the best stories have witches in them.”

~Unknown

Being the only public witch in the family can be hard especially because I choose not to hide it.  I have more of the attitude of “I’m a witch dudes, get over it.”. No one in the family celebrates Yule, or even recognizes it as a holiday. It is Christmas all the way. Even though Christians pretty much took over Yule and made it into Christmas. Like really? Yule Log has Yule IN THE NAME, but that’s a whole other post. I know they don’t understand, but still, it’s unfulfilling.  I am slowly figuring about little ways to sneak some Yule into the mix. Mostly so I don’t go insane.

This year, I gave all of my nieces and nephew crystals for Christmas.  We had a conversation about three weeks ago about how everyone has a birth crystal that corresponds with the zodiac calendar. They seemed really excited about it so I went with it.  They all got a polished stone and a raw stone so they could see the difference. I also added selinate to charge them, and a necklace to wear them.

My 8 year old niece, (the witchling), was over the moon.  So I went further and explained all the properties and what she can use the stones for, she got Jade and Emerald. (Expensive child)  I also explained that she can put all of the crystals on her windowsill on the full moon to cleanse and charge them. Her face was priceless.  It made my heart so happy. We now have a deal that I have to call her on everything full moon and remind her.

Then, something happened that made my entire holiday.  My family is really large, so we chose names for Secret Santa.  My sister-in-law picked me. When it was my turn she handed me two gifts.  The first, and kick ass Harry Potter light. Woot! The second, almost made me cry.  Inside the box, gently wrapped, was a large beautiful piece of raw rose quartz. To go further, she researched the meanings and wrote them down on a piece of paper and at the bottom wrote, “Happy Yule”.  I don’t think there are words to describe my feelings at that moment. I simple thank you, did not seem enough, but it is all I had.

That crystal will have a special place on my altar always, because it truly is a crystal of love.  I will always remember the year that someone in my family remember Yule, and the fact that it is an important part of my life.  Dear sister-in-law, you made my holiday season, thank you so much.

So this year, I was a witch at Christmas, and someone remembered.

Me and my mania.


Bipolar disorder means waking up not knowing whether Tigger or Eeyore will be making your decisions for you.


~Unknown

Mania.  It really is the best feeling ever, there is nothing like it. It can last for hours, days, weeks or even months.  I feel happy, genuinely happy, an emotion that I don’t feel often. I am full of energy, I am getting stuff done. I am focused, yet easily distracted (Squirrel!). Hence why I have been writing this post for three days.  I spend too much money (So much shopping!), and not enough sleep (Thank you 4:30 am!). I also often get tattoos or piercings. Sometimes these decisions are great, other times not so much. Luckily, this time, my promiscuity is in check… for now.  The three keys to my mania, sex, spending, and pain.

I talk to fast and often stumble over my words because my mouth cannot keep up with my brain and all its ideas.  These ideas, of course, are the best ideas ever. All of them, and they all need to be done right now. Without plan and without haste.  In reality though, they are usually not great and I have to deal with the fall out afterwards.

I can’t sit still.  I am constantly tapping my foot, clicking my pen, basically driving everyone around me crazy.  To me, it’s normal, and it feels good. Everything feels good, and if it doesn’t, I search harder for the things that do.  The choices I make, they are usually out of character. It is like I am two people at times. The fun one who does what she wants, and the depressed one that is drowning in emotions.  Luckily, manic episodes only come every so often, and I have not had a one this intense since July.

July was a mess, no good came from July.  I was completely manic through the entire death of my grandfather.  There were no tears, there was no feelings. I was bouncy, and helpfully, but with no emotion on the inside.  I am still trying to grieve and it is a difficult process. So many things happened over the summer that when the inevitable crash happened, I ended up in the hospital.  A first for me.

The worst part of a manic episode is knowing that it won’t last forever.  Knowing that the crash is coming, the great fall to depression. It hurts, sometimes for a very long time.  I find myself praying that my mania will last. Like now, I just want it to last through Christmas, I can’t crash for Christmas.  I have way too much to do, people are depending on me.

I have often said that the hardest part of having bipolar disorder is that I never know if I am really happy or not.  Am I having a good day, or or am I getting elevated. Once it starts, there is nothing I can do. I can try to be aware, I can try to make little changes to keep myself in check, but it is often useless.  When I am manic, I just don’t care. I do what I want, when I want to with no regrets. Ever.

Bipolar disorder is like living on a roller coaster.  Sometimes you are up, sometimes you are down, occasionally you are at baseline.  All I can do is use my CBT & DBT skills the best I can to limit the damage. However, if given the option, I don’t think I would change a thing.  Yea, it’s really hard, but it is apart of me. It makes me who I am. I am creative, spastic, and unique. I look at the world differently than most people.  I am badass because of everything I have been through. And with everything that I have been through, I am still standing. The best part? There is no one in the world like me, and that is a great feeling.

I have bipolar disorder, it does not have me.

e.l.f. Pore Refining Brush and Mask Tool ~ Review


“Glow is the essence of beauty.”


~Esteè Lauder

I am pretty lucky to have great skin, especially when I take care of it.  To be honest though, easy is better these days. I do a face mask every two weeks or so, but I would do it more if it was less messy.  I have long nails, and getting the clay out of them is a huge pain. Might sound like a small thing, but I just can’t be bothered some days.

I buy a lot of my cosmetics from e.l.f., at their website eyeslipsface.com.  Prices are amazing and they are usually running a free gift which is a great way to try new products.  I have been happy with pretty much everything I have bought over the years, but their Pore Refining Brush and Mask Tool? Life changing.

It never occured to me that using a brush to put on a mask was a real thing, but it is, and it is awesome.  This brush has two ends, the top is a green soft silicone like material, that kind of looks like a flat paintbrush.  This side is used for applying the mask. The bottom is a stiff bristle brush, used to help remove the dried mask.

Tonight, I broke out my favorite mask, and popped in a chick flick.  I finally get to use my new Pore Refining Brush and Mask Tool! Yay! Applying the mask was so easy; using the brush allowed a nice, thin, even application while using less product.  Best part? My fingers stayed perfectly clay free! Now to let it dry (this is where the chick flick comes in). Once dry, I used the bottom end of the brush. I held it under water then gently moved in circles over the mask, breaking up the hard brush.  I kept adding water to the brush as I move over the face. By the end, it only took one wipe with a wet cloth and my face was clean, very soft, and fresh looking.

Now at this point, even though I washed it thoroughly with water, the white bristles at the bottom end were green, I had been worried about this.  However, I used my brush cleaner 3 times and it was back to pretty white! This made me very happy (It really doesn’t take much).

Over all, I am over-the-moon with this brush and I would highly recommend it to anyone who uses masks on a regular basis.

🌛 🌛 🌛 🌛 🌛

Find it here!

e.l.f. Mask Brush

Blessed Solstice, Merry Yule


See the gray skies overhead, preparing the way
for the bright sun soon to come.
See the gray skies overhead, preparing the way,
for the world to awake once more.
See the gray skies overhead, preparing the way
for the longest night of the year.
See the gray skies overhead, preparing the way
for the sun to finally return,
bringing with it light and warmth.”


~Unknown

The holidays, (dramatic sigh) they are rough, but this year I feel like a whole different person.  I am currently taking a course called The Wheel of the Year, with Christopher Penczak at the Temple of Witchcraft in Salem, NH. It is amazing and you should totally take it.  In the course, he asks a lot of questions about how we practice the Sabbots ourselves. I quickly realized that something was missing. So, I have decided to not only take this opportunity to learn about the Sabbots, but to find out what they mean to me, and how I will celebrate them.

Celebrating Yule has never felt complete, then Christmas comes, and that doesn’t feel right either.  How can I possibly get through the holidays successfully if I am not celebrating that way that I need to?  So I started my Wheel of the Year journey at the beginning, with Yule.

Yule, the birth of the Sun God, and the return of the light.  Every year I have focused on the light, this year, some great witches reminded me that it is about sitting in the darkness and allowing the light to come.  I got excited. I was finally taking charge of my path. I will sit in the darkness and I will come out the other side better than before.

I thought all day about what my holiday should feel like.  I decided to do the entire ritual silent, speaking the words only in my heart.  I decorated my Yule altar with candles, jingle bells, a beautiful flower chain. I cleaned the space with sage, and then, incense for the full moon.  Having a Full Moon on Yule is very rare and I am honored be able to start my journey of the Wheel of the Year on one.

The focus was to be on Christopher Penczak’s Thirteen Days of Yule meditation ritual, (that is available on the Temple of Witchcraft’s Page : Here.)  The original 12 Days of Christmas.  I started on Yule night, and my last night will be New Year’s Eve.  Finally! Something connecting Yule to Christmas, just what I needed.

Now I had a base plan, and a map to build off of (go me!).  Next, I made a list of the things that I love the most about the holiday season.  Singing carols was at the very top. I haven’t really had a place to sing carols since made Catholic to Witch switch, and chants don’t give me the same warm fuzzy feelings.  So, I messaged my Dad asking if they do anything with carols at his church. Tada! Singing Carols on Christmas Eve. New tradition. Probably don’t hear that from a witch very often!  

So I have my map of the holiday.  My altar is set, my candles are burning I lay out on my yoga mat for meditation, and of course I have the cat licking my toes.  Wouldn’t be Yule without that. I go through Christopher’s guided meditation; after returning, I allowed myself to journey to where I needed to go.  I was not surprised when I appeared at the door of my Shadow. Yule = Shadow work? Apparently so.

It was nothing like I thought it would be, my Yule, but it is perfect.  It is where I need to be and what I needed to be doing. I have found the first step on my journey; I have found my Yule.

Blessed Solstice

Yule, December 21st 2018

Everybody cut footloose!


Hey, hey! What’s this I see? I thought this was a party. LET’S DANCE!


~Ren, Footloose

Ever have one of those days where you feel like you are failing at adulting? Yup, that was me today.  That is me a lot lately, but I guess that’s what happens when you change everything in your life all at once.  Today, though, I was really feeling it.

You know that feeling when you are driving home at the end of the day and you feel like crying? Yup, I was there too.  Real tears. Delilah’s radio show on, realizing that my headlight still needs to be fixed.  One more thing on the list. Then, it happens. Those first few beats burst through my car speakers, and I just have to smile and turn up the volume.  Footloose.  Instantly, my mood shifts.  I find myself dancing and singing in my seat, surely putting on quite the show.  I don’t care one bit. I feel this song to my core.

If you have not yet seen this 1984 classic with Kevin Bacon, I suggest that you stop reading, go watch the movie, delight in its awesomeness, then come back here so we can fangirl it up.  Basically, Ren McCormack has a bunch of bad stuff happen, and ends up in a town that doesn’t allow rock music or dancing. (WTF, right?). I wouldn’t survive. Seriously. Anyway, he has a hard time, obviously, and at one point of frustration, he drives to an abandoned warehouse, turns up the rock and dances it out.  Go Ren. Did it fix everything? Nope. Did he feel better? Sure did.

I’m like Ren right now.  A bunch of bad stuff happened and I needed to just turn up the music, and sing it out.  Did it fix everything? Nope. Did it help? Sure did. (See what I did there?) This song also reminded me of something else, the light at the end of the tunnel.  What happens at the end? (Spoiler!!) Does the town of no music and dancing live in sadness forever? No way! Enter big final dance number! Everyone dances at the prom with so much pent up excitement, and there is glitter flying all around.  Footloose.  “I’ve got this feeling, time’s just holding me down” leads to, “lose your blues, everybody cut, footloose”!

Well, I don’t know about you, but I feel much better.

Thank you Delilah for reminding me that everything is better with music.  

“I’m turning loose, footloose!”

Your soul is like a landscape fantasy…


“Music is the silence between the notes.”


~Claude Debussy

Clair de Lune is one of my favorite classical music pieces.  It was the third and probably most famous work from Claude Debussy.  Many people, however, don’t know the origin of this beautiful work of art.

Clair de Lune, or Moonlight, is a poem by Paul Verlaine, author of Nevermore.  It was featured in Verlaine’s work  Fêtes galantes, in 1869.  

Clair de Lune ~ Moonlight

Votre âme est un paysage choisi ~ Your soul is like a landscape fantasy,
Que vont charmant masques et bergamasques ~ Where masks and Bergamasks, in charming wise,
Jouant du luth et dansant et quasi ~ Strum lutes and dance, just a bit sad to be
Tristes sous leurs déguisements fantasques.~Hidden beneath their fanciful disguise.

Tout en chantant sur le mode mineur ~Singing in minor mode of life’s largesse
L’amour vainqueur et la vie opportune, ~ And all-victorious love, they yet seem quite
Ils n’ont pas l’air de croire à leur bonheur ~ Reluctant to believe their happiness,
Et leur chanson se mêle au clair de lune, ~ And their song mingles with the pale moonlight,

Au calme clair de lune triste et beau, ~ The calm, pale moonlight, whose sad beauty, beaming,
Qui fait rêver les oiseaux dans les arbres ~ Sets the birds softly dreaming in the trees,
Et sangloter d’extase les jets d’eau, ~ And makes the marbled fountains, gushing, streaming–
Les grands jets d’eau sveltes parmi les marbres. ~ Slender jet-fountains–sob their ecstasies.

Debussy added the work to his movement, Suite Bergamasque, in 1905 taking inspiration from the French Baroque period from the 17th and early 18th century.  Debussy is considered one of the leaders of French Impressionism, normally a term used for visual art, in this case it is meant to describe the use of harmony and texture to represent light and color.

I ask that you listen to Clair de Lune, and if you are so called, the entire Suite Bergamasque.  Close your eyes, and really feel the music, the moonlight shining down upon you.  Then listen to it while reading the poem and let me know what you think.

Visit my blog again next Wednesday for more music!

Mccallum, S. (2018, December 06). Decoding the Music Masterpieces: Debussy’s Clair de Lune. Retrieved from http://theconversation.com/decoding-the-music-masterpieces-debussys-clair-de-lune-79765

Demand Respect


“Online dating is just as murky and full of lemons as finding a used car in the classifieds. Once you learn the lingo, it’s easier to spot the models with high mileage and no warranty.”


~Laurie Perry

Online dating these past few months has been an interesting experience.  I have met some really great people, and some really terrible people. I have also learned a lot about myself, and what I bring to the table; most importantly, what I am, and am not looking for.

Admittedly, I have a terrible track record.  I have not made the best choices in relationships, and have ended up in some not so great situations.  We live and learn… boy have I learned. Now, I am starting to realize that I deserve to be treated with respect and I choose to spend my time with those that feel the same.  However, sometimes, someone sneaks through the cracks.

For example:  Last Friday I had coffee with a great guy.  He was younger then I usually like, but he was sweet, so I figured I would meet him and see what happened.  He seemed like a great guy, I really enjoyed our time together. As we were leaving, we decided that we would see each other on Monday after work.  We had planned to have dinner and watch Forensic Files. Sounds like the perfect date, right?

I messaged him Monday afternoon to see if we were still on.  I was a little under the weather but since it was a low key night, I was still game.  He confirmed, saying that he would call me at 5pm to coordinate details. Ok, great. I started to get ready, and 5 o’clock rolls around, 5:30, 6:00… ok, now I am annoyed.  At 6:45pm I get a message saying “How are you?” Really? That’s what you come up with?

Now I should explain, girls don’t like to be kept waiting.  Especially if they are dressed and ready to go. I understand that things comes up, I really do, but communicate!  In this case, nothing came up. He apparently just didn’t think it was important enough to pay attention too. Old me, would have just dismissed it and went on with the date.  Now? No way. I laid into him good. He should be respectful of people’s time, and I let him know it. Needless to say, I did not go through with the date, and I am fairly certain that I won’t hear from him again.  His loss.

Dating is hard, and it is important that women (including me!) know their worth and don’t stand for bull shit.  Stand up for yourself and demand that you be treated respectfully. You deserve it, we all do.