Please follow me over to my new site @ bythelightofthemoon.blog! See you there!!
You know those times in your life when you are going through a bunch of crap and you can’t really figure out why you feel the way you do? Then out of nowhere, Poof! You figure it out. I call this a revelation. They don’t happen very often, but when they do, it’s awesome! I had one last night, and now I don’t know if I feel better or worse.
I have been having so much fun dating, just having a blast, no strings attached. Being my own person and meeting some great people, but since I fell into “like” with Mr. Dammit, (See my post, Dammit), things have been weird. I am no longer satisfied with just dating, I need more and I didn’t understand why this came out of nowhere. Now I do… I don’t need a relationship, I need intimacy. Or maybe both, I don’t know.
I learned very quickly after my divorce 10 years ago that sex and intimacy do not always go together. I understand, that for some people they have to, but for me, nope. They are two very, very different things, and I can easily have one without the other. I have been living in blissful ignorance of how important intimacy is to me and now that I know, I can’t get it out of my head.
I need touch: holding hands in the car, cuddling on the couch watching a movie, or laying in bed, legs tangled together just talking about random things.
Forehead Kisses. (So important it gets its own line).
I will say it again, forehead kisses.
I need someone who plays with my hair absentmindedly, texts me just to tell me they are thinking of me, and NOT how excited they are to have sex with me. See the difference?
My last boyfriend spoiled me. Not with things, but with love and feelings and touch. He always told me to wear my seat belt (something I never do, bad I know). He wasn’t telling me what to do, but expressing that he cared for my safety, so I did. He could talk me out of bed on bad days, which is not an easy task. At restaurants we would hold hands across the table, we were almost always touching in someway. I miss that.
I know that everyone is different, but intimacy is intimacy. I was doing just fine until Mr. Dammit. With him, I had intimacy. I don’t know how, time was so limited, but it was there nonetheless, and now I remember what it feels like and I am craving it again.
“It is not time or opportunity that is to determine intimacy;—it is disposition alone. Seven years would be insufficient to make some people acquainted with each other, and seven days are more than enough for others.”
~Jane Austen, Sense and Sensibility
So now that I have this information, I need to figure out what I am going to do with it. My first impulse was to stop talking to everyone I have been hanging out with, but that seemed rash, so I didn’t do that. I really need to take inventory (silly word, I know) and see if there is potential there, and if not, move on.. Sounds harsh, but in the end it is about me, and what makes me happy. If I don’t make changes, then I will live in the same unhappy place forever.
Wish me luck!
“I need one of those long hugs where you kinda forget whatever else is happening around you for a minute”
There was nothing but numbness. No emotion, no tears, no anger or pain. Just nothing. Like an empty hole in my chest. A hole that nothing could fill. Depression.
The day started out like normal. I woke up, got some things together, I dropped off a raffle item off for a fundraiser, then I spent some time with a friend. All good things. Then it hit me out of nowhere. The numbness. It was 2:30pm.
I was dragging by the time I made the twenty five minute trip home. I pulled myself up to my apartment, then went straight to bed. So many things to do, yet I couldn’t keep my eyes open. Settled under my weighted blanket I did an anxiety meditation. I said to myself, “I don’t think my brain can handle more than fifteen minutes”. So I did twenty. Small win for me.
I faded off to sleep quickly. My alarm set for 5:30 pm so I could wake up and go to the Circle of Sound. One on my most favorite rituals put on by the Temple of Witchcraft. I never miss a gathering. When my alarm went off, I knew it wasn’t going to happen. I couldn’t get out of bed. I could barely lift my head to text my friend and let her know I wasn’t coming. I cried. Just a little. I could have slept all night at that moment. I ended up getting out of bed at 7 pm.
I was numb for the rest of the night. I didn’t write, I didn’t read, I didn’t even watch TV, I just kind of sat there for a few hours then went back to bed. The only reason I got up was to spend some time with the cats. The day needed to be over, and the only way to make that happen was to go to sleep.
I put the cats to bed, took my pills, and tucked myself in. I needed a hug, I needed to be held, but there was no one there, just me, me and my Winnie the Pooh bear.
Just like that, a perfectly good Sunday down the drain because of a random bout of depression. There was no trigger, there was no reason for it, it just came out of nowhere and knocked me on my ass.
Come the morning and the world was right again. This is my life, living with depression.
“When you support a small business, you support a dream.”
Counting down the days until the grand opening of my store, (January 31st 2019), By the Light of the Moon. (eek!) I create all natural bath products: bath salts, sugar scrubs and bath bombs. I also create occult items, most essential oil blends right now, incense to be coming soon. I also read tarot. Building my magickal brand a little bit at a time.
Ingredients have been purchased, product has been made, photos have been taken and labels have been ordered. This is legit happening in my life right now. My normally organized house has exploded with ingredients and packaging material. My time is no longer my own.
There is still so much to do that it is overwhelming. Advertising (Instagram, Twitter, Facebook) is honestly exhausting, but seemingly effective. (Follow me pretty, pretty please!) Network groups are helpful and I have learned a ton is a very small amount of time. Basically the key is consistently. You can’t take a day off or you fall behind. Sleep is something I no longer have time for. I live off of coffee and Redbull. (It really does give you wings… and anxiety)
I got word from the FDA today that my products meet all the regulations for beauty products so that is a load off of my mind. I have a feeling that the FDA is not someone I want to mess with…. Like really. Now I know that I (and others) can sit back in the bathtub, relax and enjoy.
I have also realized that you need to be shameless while plugging your own business. For example: Dear friend, here is a free sample, do you love it? (Why yes I do) ok please leave a review here (send link). I’m in sales for a living so you think it would come easier to me, but nope. I got this though, it is my passion and I am going to make it work.
Support small businesses, it is the difference between corporate growth and food on the table, and trust me, we appreciate it!
“People aren’t even dating anymore, just talking, catching feelings, sleeping together, and ending up in situationships”
I was doing great. I had a terrible breakup in August, but I was recovering, finding myself and having so much fun dating. True, I was a little bit, ahem, active, but hell guys do it, why can’t we! I was having a blast. Then it happened. Feelings. Dammit.
No one is perfect, but he is perfect for me. He is tall, dark, handsome, and a witch! I mean seriously. We have a lot in common and it was like that feeling that we have known each other forever. Comfortable, you know? He sings karaoke (Like OMG he is damn good) and even did a Grease duet with me (Like, really??). Our pillow talk was about involved things like Chernobyl and serial killers. Amazing. Then I did the thing I promised myself I wouldn’t do. I dropped my guard and I let myself feel. First guy I have let myself feel for since my big break up, and it happened way to fast. Dammit.
He disappeared on me once, a few weeks after we started hanging out the first time.. I let it go, there was a twinge of pain, but nothing to write home about. Then at Yule, he came back. One single message from him and I was right back to where I was. Smiling like an idiot for days. Dammit.
We had the best date, we went singing then hung out and cuddled. It was perfect. I let him sleep over… I don’t let anyone sleep over, ever. Ever. It was a big step for me, and now it is also a big step back. Trust is hard for me, and it is easy to break, not forever, just a little bump. I hate that I feel this way. Dammit.
Now, to be clear, I was not trying to relationship him. We both have stuff going on and we are wicked busy, but the potential was there for the future and I felt, at the very least, we I had found someone to cuddle with when I needed it. Now that is gone. Dammit.
He didn’t disappear, he was honest. He needs to figure out what is going on with someone who is not me. I appreciate his honesty. He still would like to be friends, I am open, but I am not going to put myself out there because I know it won’t end well. I love the time that I got to have with him. I still think he is in my life for a reason. Maybe not in a romantic way, but it some way. Witch’s intuition, and I am sticking to it, dammit.
This whole thing has really got me thinking. I might be ready for a relationship. I got really upset yesterday and through my tears I said I was done dating, but to be honest, that’s not possible. To find a mate, you have to date! (See what I did there?) I don’t want to rush anything, but I am ready for more than a hookup. I am ready to be loved, dammit, and I deserve it!
“My body is my journal, and my tattoos are my story.”
Recently, I got tattoos on the fingers of my right hand. One is a pentacle and the other is a quarter moon. I posted the pic on a witchcraft group I was in and it was overwhelmed with likes. (I love when that happens!) Anyway, one woman commented asking if they were drawn on or if it was a tattoo. I should mention that she is in an older generation than myself. Once I told her that it was a tattoo she got so excited. She explained in her day it was unacceptable for women to get tattoos, never mind ones on their fingers.
I want to be clear here, I am not a feminist, (I know, haters gonna hate), but I do believe in equal rights. There is no reason that tattoos should be acceptable on men and not on woman. That is just crazy talk. I consider myself lucky to be living in a generation where this is mostly not the case.
So, in case you haven’t figured it out yet, I am a tattooed girl. I have gotten more expressive with them over the past year or so. They are becoming more visible, a big step in the workforce, but the world is becoming more accepting of tattoos at a rapid rate.
I love every single one of my tattoos and each one has a special meaning just for me. I am not really one of those girls to pick a tattoo out of a book. I like to bring the artist an idea and let them run with it. They are the artist afterall, they know better than me.
I am one that finds a tattoo artist via word of mouth. (Is there really any other way?) I will stay with them for awhile, then someone else with give me a recommendation and I will see that person for awhile. This time, my friend Robbie (Check out his blog! My Weak Started on Sadder Days), sent me to his friend and awesome tattoo artist TJ at Null Tattoo. He is amazing! I give him an idea and he perfectly matches what is in my head. Check him out on Facebook & Instagram. I highly recommend him. (He even lets me listen to Ed Sheeran!)
Leave your tattoo pics in the comments!!
“We have started a new book. 12 new chapters and 365 new pages to make a difference, who will you be?”
The past few years have been rough. Like wow. Mental health wise, life wise, everything. It has been a constant uphill battle and I have felt that I have been swimming against the current. (It brings Just Keep Swimming to a whole new level) Well, this year will be different.
Since my hospital stay I have been finding myself changing pretty rapidly. In a really good way. My confidence is up, I have been making decisions based on what I want and not other people tell me I should do. My self -image has never been better. (This is HUGE) I have lost friendships, which was really difficult, but it turns out that it was for the best. (Bye, Bye negativity.) I have honestly never felt better in my life. I plan on keeping it this way, and I have instituted the following motto for 2019, borrowed from a very good friend:
Zero Fucks Given.
Boom. That’s it. No expectations. I am going to live life everyday, and not worry about what other people think. I am going to be me, and if someone doesn’t like it, they can move on. I am going to sing, like I am the best singer in the world. I have the voice but not the confidence. Not anymore. I am going to write everyday and not care if everyone will like it or not. I am not going to be everyone’s cup of tea, and I am going to finally accept that’s ok. I am me, and I am awesome.
I am going to date without needed to pour myself into a relationship status. Who has time for that? I am going to have fun, and be me. Meet some great people, have great experiences, and love. Not the happily ever after love, but the you are important to me, and I care about you love. I am going to tell people I love them, and often. I am going to speak my mind and see what happens. Things could get interesting. We shall see.
I am looking forward to 2019 with an open heart and an open mind. This is going to be my year, I can feel it!
I challenge you to find your motto for 2019 and live it everyday. Let’s do this!
“With the right music, you either forget everything or remember everything.”
Music has a way to clinging to memories, or memories cling to music, I’m not sure which. So many times in my life, I hear a song and I am transported to a moment in time and I experience the same emotions that I did back then. One of my strongest memories is linked with I Can’t Help Falling in Love With You, by Elvis Presley. The thought of it makes me smile.
I was 15 years old, and madly in love (as much as a high school girl can be) with a boy we will call Geno, because that is his name. His blue eyes, wow. Anyway, I liked him for months and did all the silly high school girl stuff, like blushing when I saw him, putting myself in the right hallways so that he was sure to see me, writing endless notes to my friends about him. All of it. I was sure that he didn’t notice me. We had mutual friends and hung out in the same circle, but I was invisible. Or so I thought.
Our circle of friends were all very involved in our church. (Yes, this witch was Catholic.) Every year the church did a themed dinner for all of the volunteers and the youth group would work the event. This year, it was a 1950s theme. All of the girls wore poodle skirts and the boys wore jeans with tee shirts with rolled up sleeves. We all looked so great and it was a fantastic night.
After dinner was done, we had a dance. I was rather shy so I didn’t really dance with any boys. My friend was across the dance floor and waved me over. The song comes on, I am walking across the dance floor when someone grabs my arm. I look over my shoulder and he pulls me into his arms for a dance. Geno. Even thinking about it now I makes me smile like a schoolgirl.
Nothing ever came from it, when never dated, but he made my night. The funny part is, he probably doesn’t even remember. I don’t care, I will remember it fondly forever. Whenever I hear that song, I go back to that dance, and I smile.
What is your favorite music memory?
“You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have roses.”
I was browsing Wish, (a shopping app with really cheap prices) and found this beautiful ring. It was a set of two, one was a ring of thorns, and the other was thorns and a rose. I ordered them and three months later, (they come from Asia), they arrived at my door. Yay! Mail that is not a bill is always welcome in my home.
Now, I have really chubby fingers so I didn’t think it would fit, but it fits perfectly on my pinky finger. Woot! Currently, I am choosing to wear the one with just the thorns. Here’s why. I am in a state of rebuilding myself. I experienced rock bottom this year, and I am digging my way back up and out. I still have rough days, and days I just feel like crying. At times I hide, but now I allow myself to be there for a time, but I don’t unpack and live there. Living there doesn’t help me grow, and I am growing like a weed, or should I say bush!
This ring is a reminder that I am the thorn right now, prickly at times, but growing into a big bush of stabby things (it is much better than it sounds). Sometimes, I prick myself and I bleed, but I wash it off and move on. Sometimes I prick others and they bleed, I do my best to make amends and we move on. As the bush grows, the thorns and sharp ends become covered with vibrant green leaves that eventually grow beautiful flowers, the most loved flowers in the world. Roses.
Life is a journey. Sometimes it’s prickly and makes you bleed, and other times it is a beautiful flower that brushes against your skin softly comforting you. Just like the seasons, the rose bush waxes and wanes like we do. Sometimes we are prickly and sometimes we are soft and comforting. No matter what , we always continue to grow, and that is the most important thing.
We must always be growing.
“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection”
I have had to deal with low self-esteem issues since I was an early teen. I was anorexic for a good part of high school because I was disgusted with the way I looked. I felt unworthy of attention, yet it was something I craved. There was no affection anywhere in my life, I was alone yet surrounded by people. Looking back, I was wrong, I was beautiful. I just wish I had known better. Life might have been different.
Now, I am older, and a curvy girl. The self-esteem was not getting any better, in fact, it was getting worse. Every time I looked in the mirror I just wanted to cry. Losing weight is difficult because of the bipolar meds and the PCOS. Another thing to add to the list of things that make me feel bad about myself. Then 2018 happened and everything changed.
I broke up with a long term boyfriend and entered the world of dating. I started dating this wonderful man. Like really wonderful. Wow. We dated for about 6 months and it was a wonderful time. He was so loving and affectionate. He was always playing with my hair (hint to guys, do this, girls love it), holding my hand, and telling me how beautiful I was. Beautiful? Eh, not really sure about that one, but it was nice to hear.
Overtime, and very slowly, he calmed me down. I know longer jumped when he touched me. (If a man was ever physical with you, you understand) he would put his hand on my tummy (my least favorite part of my body) and tell me over and over I was beautiful and worthy of love. Eventually, my thought process started to change. Now to be clear, he didn’t change me, he helped me change myself.
Since moving on from that relationship, I have kept the momentum going. If someone tells me I’m beautiful, or gives me another compliment, instead of brushing it off with a “No, I am really not” I just say thank you. I say thank you and take is as sincere. It was hard at first, but it is getting easier.
This is not an overnight fix, but I probably feel more confident about myself than I ever have. I am beautiful, and I figure if I say it enough times it will stick. I am also awesome, and I am not afraid to tell everyone (I am very modest).
I want to say thank you. Thank you to the people in my life that put up with my low self-esteem for so long. Thank you for those who took the time to help me feel better about myself, and most of all, thank you to myself for being open to this change.
Here’s to ongoing progress, and acceptance of myself.