Say Something

“We shouldn’t have to out ourselves as survivors in order for people to grasp the magnitude of how systematic assault and harassment are.”

~Laura Witt

On Friday night I was sexually assaulted, and I almost let it go.  Sexual assault is a big umbrella, one that I am all too familiar with.  I have always been quiet, not one to talk and say things. An easy target, especially when I was younger.  Now, I am 36 and still, I find it hard to say things, or even force myself to recognize that it even happened.  It’s easier to ignore it. Easier not to deal with it. Not this time.

I have a following on here, be it a little one, but if one person reads it that needs to see this, then it will be worth the uncomfortableness of talking about it.

It was our 3rd date.  We had already had sex so that wasn’t even a worry for me.  We hung out, watched movies. Well, things progressed they way that they do.  Now, there is something specific that I will not do sexually. I just don’t like. Period. I am upfront and honest with everyone about it.  It is a hard no. NO.

I reminded him of this, and he verbally agreed that he understood.  Well. After about an hour of fooling around, and me reminding him three times,  he held me down and forced me to do it. I said no, and tried to push him away. All he said was sorry.  

Now here is the important part that even I need to keep reminding myself of.  I 100% consented to having sex with him that night. I 100% consented to do anything except this one act.  To that, I said no. I said no and he forced me to do it anyway. That is sexual assault. That is not ok. To make matters worse, it took me three days to even realize it.  

3 Days.

If I had been raped, three days is enough time to wash any DNA that might be there away.  I know this, yet I still did nothing. In Jr High, when I teacher assaulted me, I said nothing.  In highschool, when my teacher touched me, I said nothing. 8 years ago, when I was raped by a guy I was dating, I didn’t say anything for five whole years.  Then all of it just came out in a therapy session and I was crying so much that I couldn’t breathe. Complex PTSD they said. Lovely another diagnosis.

Don’t make the same mistakes I did and live quietly for years suffering in silence.  Do something, say something.

Now this guy won’t leave me alone,  He keeps messaging me, even though I have blocked him, he found a way through.  I have been brushing it all off, but I just keep getting this feeling inside that something is wrong.  Something is wrong, and for the first time I am going to do something about it.

Every state has a Sexual Assault hotline.  In NH, it is 1-800-227-5570, and I called it.  Within 5 minutes an advocate called me back. It was helpful to talk about it with someone and have them validate that my feelings were real and valid.  She is finding me some information and calling me back. I don’t know if anything will come of it, but I feel better knowing that I told someone what happened and that it was validated that it wasn’t something I was making up in my head.

I am still upset with myself for not taking it more seriously.  If we can’t stick up for ourselves, then who will?

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I Had A Revelation


Who knows what a little
A little love can change?
I know just a little
A little love will change you


Meet me in the middle
In the middle we can meet again
If we meet in the middle
I know you’ll love me til the end

~Josh Farro, Paramore

You know those times in your life when you are going through a bunch of crap and you can’t really figure out why you feel the way you do?  Then out of nowhere, Poof! You figure it out. I call this a revelation. They don’t happen very often, but when they do, it’s awesome! I had one last night, and now I don’t know if I feel better or worse.

I have been having so much fun dating, just having a blast, no strings attached.  Being my own person and meeting some great people, but since I fell into “like” with Mr. Dammit, (See my post, Dammit), things have been weird.  I am no longer satisfied with just dating, I need more and I didn’t understand why this came out of nowhere.  Now I do… I don’t need a relationship, I need intimacy. Or maybe both, I don’t know.

I learned very quickly after my divorce 10 years ago that sex and intimacy do not always go together.  I understand, that for some people they have to, but for me, nope. They are two very, very different things, and I can easily have one without the other.  I have been living in blissful ignorance of how important intimacy is to me and now that I know, I can’t get it out of my head.

I need touch: holding hands in the car, cuddling on the couch watching a movie, or laying in bed, legs tangled together just talking about random things.

Forehead Kisses. (So important it gets its own line).

I will say it again, forehead kisses.

I need someone who plays with my hair absentmindedly, texts me just to tell me they are thinking of me, and NOT how excited they are to have sex with me.  See the difference?

My last boyfriend spoiled me.  Not with things, but with love and feelings and touch.  He always told me to wear my seat belt (something I never do, bad I know).  He wasn’t telling me what to do, but expressing that he cared for my safety, so I did.  He could talk me out of bed on bad days, which is not an easy task. At restaurants we would hold hands across the table, we were almost always touching in someway.  I miss that.

I know that everyone is different, but intimacy is intimacy.  I was doing just fine until Mr. Dammit. With him, I had intimacy.  I don’t know how, time was so limited, but it was there nonetheless, and now I remember what it feels like and I am craving it again.


“It is not time or opportunity that is to determine intimacy;—it is disposition alone. Seven years would be insufficient to make some people acquainted with each other, and seven days are more than enough for others.”


~Jane Austen, Sense and Sensibility

So now that I have this information, I need to figure out what I am going to do with it.  My first impulse was to stop talking to everyone I have been hanging out with, but that seemed rash, so I didn’t do that.  I really need to take inventory (silly word, I know) and see if there is potential there, and if not, move on.. Sounds harsh, but in the end it is about me, and what makes me happy.  If I don’t make changes, then I will live in the same unhappy place forever.

Wish me luck!

Dammit


“People aren’t even dating anymore, just talking, catching feelings, sleeping together, and ending up in situationships”

~Unknown

I was doing great.  I had a terrible breakup in August, but I was recovering, finding myself and having so much fun dating.  True, I was a little bit, ahem, active, but hell guys do it, why can’t we! I was having a blast. Then it happened.  Feelings. Dammit.

No one is perfect, but he is perfect for me.  He is tall, dark, handsome, and a witch! I mean seriously.  We have a lot in common and it was like that feeling that we have known each other forever.  Comfortable, you know? He sings karaoke (Like OMG he is damn good) and even did a Grease duet with me (Like, really??).  Our pillow talk was about involved things like Chernobyl and serial killers. Amazing. Then I did the thing I promised myself  I wouldn’t do. I dropped my guard and I let myself feel. First guy I have let myself feel for since my big break up, and it happened way to fast.  Dammit.

He disappeared on me once, a few weeks after we started hanging out the first time..  I let it go, there was a twinge of pain, but nothing to write home about. Then at Yule, he came back.  One single message from him and I was right back to where I was. Smiling like an idiot for days. Dammit.

We had the best date, we went singing then hung out and cuddled.  It was perfect. I let him sleep over… I don’t let anyone sleep over, ever.  Ever. It was a big step for me, and now it is also a big step back. Trust is hard for me, and it is easy to break, not forever, just a little bump.  I hate that I feel this way. Dammit.

Now, to be clear, I was not trying to relationship him.  We both have stuff going on and we are wicked busy, but the potential was there for the future and I felt, at the very least, we I had found someone to cuddle with when I needed it.  Now that is gone. Dammit.

He didn’t disappear, he was honest. He needs to figure out what is going on with someone who is not me.  I appreciate his honesty. He still would like to be friends, I am open, but I am not going to put myself out there because I know it won’t end well.  I love the time that I got to have with him. I still think he is in my life for a reason. Maybe not in a romantic way, but it some way. Witch’s intuition, and I am sticking to it, dammit.

This whole thing has really got me thinking.  I might be ready for a relationship. I got really upset yesterday and through my tears I said I was done dating, but to be honest, that’s not possible.  To find a mate, you have to date! (See what I did there?) I don’t want to rush anything, but I am ready for more than a hookup. I am ready to be loved, dammit, and I deserve it!

Demand Respect


“Online dating is just as murky and full of lemons as finding a used car in the classifieds. Once you learn the lingo, it’s easier to spot the models with high mileage and no warranty.”


~Laurie Perry

Online dating these past few months has been an interesting experience.  I have met some really great people, and some really terrible people. I have also learned a lot about myself, and what I bring to the table; most importantly, what I am, and am not looking for.

Admittedly, I have a terrible track record.  I have not made the best choices in relationships, and have ended up in some not so great situations.  We live and learn… boy have I learned. Now, I am starting to realize that I deserve to be treated with respect and I choose to spend my time with those that feel the same.  However, sometimes, someone sneaks through the cracks.

For example:  Last Friday I had coffee with a great guy.  He was younger then I usually like, but he was sweet, so I figured I would meet him and see what happened.  He seemed like a great guy, I really enjoyed our time together. As we were leaving, we decided that we would see each other on Monday after work.  We had planned to have dinner and watch Forensic Files. Sounds like the perfect date, right?

I messaged him Monday afternoon to see if we were still on.  I was a little under the weather but since it was a low key night, I was still game.  He confirmed, saying that he would call me at 5pm to coordinate details. Ok, great. I started to get ready, and 5 o’clock rolls around, 5:30, 6:00… ok, now I am annoyed.  At 6:45pm I get a message saying “How are you?” Really? That’s what you come up with?

Now I should explain, girls don’t like to be kept waiting.  Especially if they are dressed and ready to go. I understand that things comes up, I really do, but communicate!  In this case, nothing came up. He apparently just didn’t think it was important enough to pay attention too. Old me, would have just dismissed it and went on with the date.  Now? No way. I laid into him good. He should be respectful of people’s time, and I let him know it. Needless to say, I did not go through with the date, and I am fairly certain that I won’t hear from him again.  His loss.

Dating is hard, and it is important that women (including me!) know their worth and don’t stand for bull shit.  Stand up for yourself and demand that you be treated respectfully. You deserve it, we all do.

Creepers are everywhere.


“Social Media, noun
A term to describe the current state of the Internet and the place where the consumers’ attention is.”


~Gary Vaynerchuk

When online dating, you get your fair share of creepy people.  Those looking for hookups, begging to come over, constant messages, and the holy grail, the unsolicited dick pics.  Seriously. Dudes, just stop. You would think that months of online dating would prepare me for the world of advertising on social media.  Nope. Instagram creepers, bring yuck to a whole new level.

Don’t get me wrong, 99.9% of my followers are amazing, but it is that damn 1% that makes me lose my faith in humanity. Yes, it really is that bad.  Below is a list of my creepy interactions on Instagram for the last two weeks.

Those people who follow you and like every single one of your 350 posts since 2013.  Really? I appreciate the enthusiasm, but who has that kind of time?

The bots! They are the best, and they never go away.  View my webcam here! Click on this link! Free chat! Nope.

This one was great, and I quote (grammar and all). “ I like what I see on your profile and I’ll like you to me my sugar baby.  I have been divorced for 2 years now! Willing to pay $500 weekly.” What exactly am I doing on my profile that would make you think I want a sugar daddy?  Please tell me so I can stop.

Buy my (enter dirty product, service, body, etc here).  No, I don’t want any of that, none of it, you creepy man.

Where do you live? Um… nice try.

Do you want to make money? Well yea, but that is kind of vague.  

This one was the worst.  He said he was deployed overseas with the Army and wanted someone to talk to.  Then, he said he wanted me to be his woman.  Weird.  A few searches and it turns out he was lying.  There is a special place in hell for you sir.

All of this in 14 days… it really is impressive.  Thank you to all of my awesome followers, and to you creepers…. Just stop.

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