Depression


“I need one of those long hugs where you kinda forget whatever else is happening around you for a minute”


~Marilyn Monroe

There was nothing but numbness.  No emotion, no tears, no anger or pain.  Just nothing. Like an empty hole in my chest.  A hole that nothing could fill. Depression.

The day started out like normal.  I woke up, got some things together, I dropped off a raffle item off for a fundraiser, then I spent some time with a friend. All good things. Then it hit me out of nowhere.  The numbness. It was 2:30pm.

I was dragging by the time I made the twenty five minute trip home.  I pulled myself up to my apartment, then went straight to bed. So many things to do, yet I couldn’t keep my eyes open.  Settled under my weighted blanket I did an anxiety meditation. I said to myself, “I don’t think my brain can handle more than fifteen minutes”.  So I did twenty. Small win for me.

I faded off to sleep quickly.  My alarm set for 5:30 pm so I could wake up and go to the Circle of Sound.  One on my most favorite rituals put on by the Temple of Witchcraft. I never miss a gathering.  When my alarm went off, I knew it wasn’t going to happen. I couldn’t get out of bed. I could barely lift my head to text my friend and let her know I wasn’t coming.  I cried. Just a little. I could have slept all night at that moment. I ended up getting out of bed at 7 pm.

I was numb for the rest of the night.  I didn’t write, I didn’t read, I didn’t even watch TV,  I just kind of sat there for a few hours then went back to bed.  The only reason I got up was to spend some time with the cats. The day needed to be over, and the only way to make that happen was to go to sleep.

I put the cats to bed, took my pills, and tucked myself in.  I needed a hug, I needed to be held, but there was no one there, just me, me and my Winnie the Pooh bear.

Just like that, a perfectly good Sunday down the drain because of a random bout of depression.  There was no trigger, there was no reason for it, it just came out of nowhere and knocked me on my ass.

Come the morning and the world was right again.  This is my life, living with depression.

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Dammit


“People aren’t even dating anymore, just talking, catching feelings, sleeping together, and ending up in situationships”

~Unknown

I was doing great.  I had a terrible breakup in August, but I was recovering, finding myself and having so much fun dating.  True, I was a little bit, ahem, active, but hell guys do it, why can’t we! I was having a blast. Then it happened.  Feelings. Dammit.

No one is perfect, but he is perfect for me.  He is tall, dark, handsome, and a witch! I mean seriously.  We have a lot in common and it was like that feeling that we have known each other forever.  Comfortable, you know? He sings karaoke (Like OMG he is damn good) and even did a Grease duet with me (Like, really??).  Our pillow talk was about involved things like Chernobyl and serial killers. Amazing. Then I did the thing I promised myself  I wouldn’t do. I dropped my guard and I let myself feel. First guy I have let myself feel for since my big break up, and it happened way to fast.  Dammit.

He disappeared on me once, a few weeks after we started hanging out the first time..  I let it go, there was a twinge of pain, but nothing to write home about. Then at Yule, he came back.  One single message from him and I was right back to where I was. Smiling like an idiot for days. Dammit.

We had the best date, we went singing then hung out and cuddled.  It was perfect. I let him sleep over… I don’t let anyone sleep over, ever.  Ever. It was a big step for me, and now it is also a big step back. Trust is hard for me, and it is easy to break, not forever, just a little bump.  I hate that I feel this way. Dammit.

Now, to be clear, I was not trying to relationship him.  We both have stuff going on and we are wicked busy, but the potential was there for the future and I felt, at the very least, we I had found someone to cuddle with when I needed it.  Now that is gone. Dammit.

He didn’t disappear, he was honest. He needs to figure out what is going on with someone who is not me.  I appreciate his honesty. He still would like to be friends, I am open, but I am not going to put myself out there because I know it won’t end well.  I love the time that I got to have with him. I still think he is in my life for a reason. Maybe not in a romantic way, but it some way. Witch’s intuition, and I am sticking to it, dammit.

This whole thing has really got me thinking.  I might be ready for a relationship. I got really upset yesterday and through my tears I said I was done dating, but to be honest, that’s not possible.  To find a mate, you have to date! (See what I did there?) I don’t want to rush anything, but I am ready for more than a hookup. I am ready to be loved, dammit, and I deserve it!

The Question Game


“ Sometimes the more you get to know a person, the more attractive they become.”

~Unknown

The Question Game has been apart of my life since probably freshman year in high school.  My girlfriends and I would get together on a Friday night, play twister in the driveway while waiting for the hot pizza guy, and ask each other questions that we had to answer honestly.  Kind of like the truth part of Truth or Dare. We played it all the time. It was super fun, and I good way to see secrets we are holding.  Nowadays, when the girls and I get together, we still play, only this time we drink wine and things get a lot more interesting.

Since I have started dating again, I have brought back The Question Game.  This game is only for those who I believe have potential for a relationship. (Because otherwise, who cares!) I bought a book called The Secret Me: A Questionnaire Journal from Amazon.  It is written by Shane Windham, and he has a bunch of other similar type journals that I can’t wait to try.  

It is very much an adult book.  It asks questions on anything from sex to morals and values.  The game is easy, someone asks a question, we both answer and discuss, then we switch.  The game continues for as long as you want, it usually goes longer when booze is involved. (It is also WAY more fun.)

I enjoy it because it is a low key way to get to know each other.  It asks questions that you wouldn’t normally think to ask during the get to know you phase, and it does so in a really fun way!

Check out Shane Windham, he’s pretty awesome, and comment below  how you get to know your potential partners!

2019 for the Win!


“We have started a new book.  12 new chapters and 365 new pages to make a difference, who will you be?”


~SLK

The past few years have been rough. Like wow.  Mental health wise, life wise, everything. It has been a constant uphill battle and I have felt that I have been swimming against the current. (It brings Just Keep Swimming to a whole new level)  Well, this year will be different.

Since my hospital stay I have been finding myself changing pretty rapidly.  In a really good way. My confidence is up, I have been making decisions based on what I want and not other people tell me I should do.  My self -image has never been better. (This is HUGE) I have lost friendships, which was really difficult, but it turns out that it was for the best. (Bye, Bye negativity.)  I have honestly never felt better in my life. I plan on keeping it this way, and I have instituted the following motto for 2019, borrowed from a very good friend:

Zero Fucks Given.

Boom. That’s it.  No expectations. I am going to live life everyday, and not worry about what other people think.  I am going to be me, and if someone doesn’t like it, they can move on. I am going to sing, like I am the best singer in the world.  I have the voice but not the confidence. Not anymore. I am going to write everyday and not care if everyone will like it or not. I am not going to be everyone’s cup of tea, and I am going to finally accept that’s ok.  I am me, and I am awesome.

I am going to date without needed to pour myself into a relationship status. Who has time for that? I am going to have fun, and be me. Meet some great people, have great experiences, and love.  Not the happily ever after love, but the you are important to me, and I care about you love. I am going to tell people I love them, and often.  I am going to speak my mind and see what happens. Things could get interesting. We shall see.

I am looking forward to 2019 with an open heart and an open mind.  This is going to be my year, I can feel it!

I challenge you to find your motto for 2019 and live it everyday.  Let’s do this!

Me and my mania.


Bipolar disorder means waking up not knowing whether Tigger or Eeyore will be making your decisions for you.


~Unknown

Mania.  It really is the best feeling ever, there is nothing like it. It can last for hours, days, weeks or even months.  I feel happy, genuinely happy, an emotion that I don’t feel often. I am full of energy, I am getting stuff done. I am focused, yet easily distracted (Squirrel!). Hence why I have been writing this post for three days.  I spend too much money (So much shopping!), and not enough sleep (Thank you 4:30 am!). I also often get tattoos or piercings. Sometimes these decisions are great, other times not so much. Luckily, this time, my promiscuity is in check… for now.  The three keys to my mania, sex, spending, and pain.

I talk to fast and often stumble over my words because my mouth cannot keep up with my brain and all its ideas.  These ideas, of course, are the best ideas ever. All of them, and they all need to be done right now. Without plan and without haste.  In reality though, they are usually not great and I have to deal with the fall out afterwards.

I can’t sit still.  I am constantly tapping my foot, clicking my pen, basically driving everyone around me crazy.  To me, it’s normal, and it feels good. Everything feels good, and if it doesn’t, I search harder for the things that do.  The choices I make, they are usually out of character. It is like I am two people at times. The fun one who does what she wants, and the depressed one that is drowning in emotions.  Luckily, manic episodes only come every so often, and I have not had a one this intense since July.

July was a mess, no good came from July.  I was completely manic through the entire death of my grandfather.  There were no tears, there was no feelings. I was bouncy, and helpfully, but with no emotion on the inside.  I am still trying to grieve and it is a difficult process. So many things happened over the summer that when the inevitable crash happened, I ended up in the hospital.  A first for me.

The worst part of a manic episode is knowing that it won’t last forever.  Knowing that the crash is coming, the great fall to depression. It hurts, sometimes for a very long time.  I find myself praying that my mania will last. Like now, I just want it to last through Christmas, I can’t crash for Christmas.  I have way too much to do, people are depending on me.

I have often said that the hardest part of having bipolar disorder is that I never know if I am really happy or not.  Am I having a good day, or or am I getting elevated. Once it starts, there is nothing I can do. I can try to be aware, I can try to make little changes to keep myself in check, but it is often useless.  When I am manic, I just don’t care. I do what I want, when I want to with no regrets. Ever.

Bipolar disorder is like living on a roller coaster.  Sometimes you are up, sometimes you are down, occasionally you are at baseline.  All I can do is use my CBT & DBT skills the best I can to limit the damage. However, if given the option, I don’t think I would change a thing.  Yea, it’s really hard, but it is apart of me. It makes me who I am. I am creative, spastic, and unique. I look at the world differently than most people.  I am badass because of everything I have been through. And with everything that I have been through, I am still standing. The best part? There is no one in the world like me, and that is a great feeling.

I have bipolar disorder, it does not have me.

Everybody cut footloose!


Hey, hey! What’s this I see? I thought this was a party. LET’S DANCE!


~Ren, Footloose

Ever have one of those days where you feel like you are failing at adulting? Yup, that was me today.  That is me a lot lately, but I guess that’s what happens when you change everything in your life all at once.  Today, though, I was really feeling it.

You know that feeling when you are driving home at the end of the day and you feel like crying? Yup, I was there too.  Real tears. Delilah’s radio show on, realizing that my headlight still needs to be fixed.  One more thing on the list. Then, it happens. Those first few beats burst through my car speakers, and I just have to smile and turn up the volume.  Footloose.  Instantly, my mood shifts.  I find myself dancing and singing in my seat, surely putting on quite the show.  I don’t care one bit. I feel this song to my core.

If you have not yet seen this 1984 classic with Kevin Bacon, I suggest that you stop reading, go watch the movie, delight in its awesomeness, then come back here so we can fangirl it up.  Basically, Ren McCormack has a bunch of bad stuff happen, and ends up in a town that doesn’t allow rock music or dancing. (WTF, right?). I wouldn’t survive. Seriously. Anyway, he has a hard time, obviously, and at one point of frustration, he drives to an abandoned warehouse, turns up the rock and dances it out.  Go Ren. Did it fix everything? Nope. Did he feel better? Sure did.

I’m like Ren right now.  A bunch of bad stuff happened and I needed to just turn up the music, and sing it out.  Did it fix everything? Nope. Did it help? Sure did. (See what I did there?) This song also reminded me of something else, the light at the end of the tunnel.  What happens at the end? (Spoiler!!) Does the town of no music and dancing live in sadness forever? No way! Enter big final dance number! Everyone dances at the prom with so much pent up excitement, and there is glitter flying all around.  Footloose.  “I’ve got this feeling, time’s just holding me down” leads to, “lose your blues, everybody cut, footloose”!

Well, I don’t know about you, but I feel much better.

Thank you Delilah for reminding me that everything is better with music.  

“I’m turning loose, footloose!”

…fire burn and cauldron bubble…


Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn and cauldron bubble.
Fillet of a fenny snake,
In the cauldron boil and bake;
Eye of newt and toe of frog,
Wool of bat and tongue of dog,
Adder’s fork and blind-worm’s sting,
Lizard’s leg and howlet’s wing,
For a charm of powerful trouble,
Like a hell-broth boil and bubble.

Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn and cauldron bubble.
Cool it with a baboon’s blood,
Then the charm is firm and good


~William Shakespeare, Macbeth.

As i write this, my kitchen looks like a bomb of sugar and salt exploded and the scent of lavender has overtaken the house.  My normally organized library is filled with finished product and all the needed packaging. I have been infusing lavender oil for the past hour in my double boiler and it looks so good.  Tonight has been a night of creativity. I am far from done, just taking a little break to write. Christmas music sets the scene and I feel my yuletide cheer finally arriving. I feel great.

The fact that I am starting a business is really starting to set it.  Making product is a huge step. Now I just need to take the product photos and they will be up on the etsy site.  Slowly my to-do list is being checked off and things are starting to come together. There have been a few bumps, tonight included.  I just have to laugh.

I have been making bath products for the better part of 10 years.  I don’t work from a recipe most of the time; I use my kitchen witch skills and just go with the flow.  Well, sometimes that leads to mistakes. Thankfully I caught them before it was to late.

First off, I was making my bath bombs.  They were not forming correctly and when adding the wet ingredients, it didn’t fizz at all… strange.  Well, I forgot the fizzing ingredient. The thing that makes it a freaking bath bomb. Then, I am mixing the sugar for the scrubs. Every single bag or packet of sugar in my house is hard as a rock.  Maybe my house is to dry? I don’t know. Going to the store covered head to toe with white powdery substances was pretty fun. The cashier didn’t know what to think.

I have so many more things to do.  I need to figure out how to store everything: product, packaging, ingredients etc. Trying to remind myself to take it one step at a time.  

With that, I am back at it! Wish me luck!

Creepers are everywhere.


“Social Media, noun
A term to describe the current state of the Internet and the place where the consumers’ attention is.”


~Gary Vaynerchuk

When online dating, you get your fair share of creepy people.  Those looking for hookups, begging to come over, constant messages, and the holy grail, the unsolicited dick pics.  Seriously. Dudes, just stop. You would think that months of online dating would prepare me for the world of advertising on social media.  Nope. Instagram creepers, bring yuck to a whole new level.

Don’t get me wrong, 99.9% of my followers are amazing, but it is that damn 1% that makes me lose my faith in humanity. Yes, it really is that bad.  Below is a list of my creepy interactions on Instagram for the last two weeks.

Those people who follow you and like every single one of your 350 posts since 2013.  Really? I appreciate the enthusiasm, but who has that kind of time?

The bots! They are the best, and they never go away.  View my webcam here! Click on this link! Free chat! Nope.

This one was great, and I quote (grammar and all). “ I like what I see on your profile and I’ll like you to me my sugar baby.  I have been divorced for 2 years now! Willing to pay $500 weekly.” What exactly am I doing on my profile that would make you think I want a sugar daddy?  Please tell me so I can stop.

Buy my (enter dirty product, service, body, etc here).  No, I don’t want any of that, none of it, you creepy man.

Where do you live? Um… nice try.

Do you want to make money? Well yea, but that is kind of vague.  

This one was the worst.  He said he was deployed overseas with the Army and wanted someone to talk to.  Then, he said he wanted me to be his woman.  Weird.  A few searches and it turns out he was lying.  There is a special place in hell for you sir.

All of this in 14 days… it really is impressive.  Thank you to all of my awesome followers, and to you creepers…. Just stop.

Follow me on Instagram here!

Don’t ever give people power over you.


“Healing doesn’t mean the damage never existed.  It means the damage no longer controls our lives”


~unknown

Truth: I don’t always make the best decisions.  I am an overthinker, but not in the way most people are.  I make rash decisions and then worry about them afterwards.  Backwards, but it is pretty consistent with me. This is something that I have recently discovered about myself and I am pretty proud of the revelation.  Of course, even this goes out the window when I am manic. Everything is a great idea, in fact it’s the best idea ever. Never in the world has there been an idea better than this one.  Those decisions, even scarier, I never overthink. However, I do take responsibility for them.

Of course, after a mania comes the inevitable crash. Depression. I can’t get out of bed, I am empty.  I isolate, hid away in my bed away from people, everyone. Even those closest to me cannot help. I don’t let them in.  Not until I am back on the upswing, which happens every time, but when I am depressed, I feel like it is never going to get better.  And then it does, and the world is right again.

Of course, this is just a part of me.  It is not my identity. I deal with it everyday, and it comes with positives as well.  I am creative, so creative. I see the world in a childlike way at times. I get excited at the little things, and it can be infections.  I make people smile. I love, deeply, with my whole heart. I am artsy with my poetry and music, and I to share myself with those around me.  I have reached a place in my life where it is getting easier to be me. I am tired of trying to be what everyone else wants me to be. I am me, flaws and all.  I am full of so much life and love, and is about time I embrace it.

Over the summer, I was in a pretty bad place.  Life kind of blew up and I didn’t, couldn’t handle it on my own.  I resisted getting the help that I needed because of the stigma. I didn’t want to be “that girl”, the crazy one, the one people whisper about.  The weak one. Well, it got to a point where I no longer had a choice to make and I ended up in the hospital. It is one of the best things I have ever done for myself and I couldn’t have done it alone.  It is times like these where you really learn who your friends are, and more importantly, who are not.  To make matters worse, I allowed those who are not, have power over me.  Over my actions, and over my emotions.  Not. Cool.

I’m still healing; I will always be healing, but I am so much better than I was before.  I am strong, and I have purpose and I recognize that. I am not weak, oh hell no, I am not weak.  I am the exact opposite. I am strong. I am loved. I have so much love to give, and now I know my own worth.  I am no longer going to give people power over me. I am no longer giving into the drama. I am better than that.  I need to stand up for myself, because no one is going to do it for me. Look out world, I am done being pushed around.  I am here and I am beautiful, strong, and just crazy enough to keep things interesting. ❤

…and she goes on.