Dammit


“People aren’t even dating anymore, just talking, catching feelings, sleeping together, and ending up in situationships”

~Unknown

I was doing great.  I had a terrible breakup in August, but I was recovering, finding myself and having so much fun dating.  True, I was a little bit, ahem, active, but hell guys do it, why can’t we! I was having a blast. Then it happened.  Feelings. Dammit.

No one is perfect, but he is perfect for me.  He is tall, dark, handsome, and a witch! I mean seriously.  We have a lot in common and it was like that feeling that we have known each other forever.  Comfortable, you know? He sings karaoke (Like OMG he is damn good) and even did a Grease duet with me (Like, really??).  Our pillow talk was about involved things like Chernobyl and serial killers. Amazing. Then I did the thing I promised myself  I wouldn’t do. I dropped my guard and I let myself feel. First guy I have let myself feel for since my big break up, and it happened way to fast.  Dammit.

He disappeared on me once, a few weeks after we started hanging out the first time..  I let it go, there was a twinge of pain, but nothing to write home about. Then at Yule, he came back.  One single message from him and I was right back to where I was. Smiling like an idiot for days. Dammit.

We had the best date, we went singing then hung out and cuddled.  It was perfect. I let him sleep over… I don’t let anyone sleep over, ever.  Ever. It was a big step for me, and now it is also a big step back. Trust is hard for me, and it is easy to break, not forever, just a little bump.  I hate that I feel this way. Dammit.

Now, to be clear, I was not trying to relationship him.  We both have stuff going on and we are wicked busy, but the potential was there for the future and I felt, at the very least, we I had found someone to cuddle with when I needed it.  Now that is gone. Dammit.

He didn’t disappear, he was honest. He needs to figure out what is going on with someone who is not me.  I appreciate his honesty. He still would like to be friends, I am open, but I am not going to put myself out there because I know it won’t end well.  I love the time that I got to have with him. I still think he is in my life for a reason. Maybe not in a romantic way, but it some way. Witch’s intuition, and I am sticking to it, dammit.

This whole thing has really got me thinking.  I might be ready for a relationship. I got really upset yesterday and through my tears I said I was done dating, but to be honest, that’s not possible.  To find a mate, you have to date! (See what I did there?) I don’t want to rush anything, but I am ready for more than a hookup. I am ready to be loved, dammit, and I deserve it!

Advertisements

2019 for the Win!


“We have started a new book.  12 new chapters and 365 new pages to make a difference, who will you be?”


~SLK

The past few years have been rough. Like wow.  Mental health wise, life wise, everything. It has been a constant uphill battle and I have felt that I have been swimming against the current. (It brings Just Keep Swimming to a whole new level)  Well, this year will be different.

Since my hospital stay I have been finding myself changing pretty rapidly.  In a really good way. My confidence is up, I have been making decisions based on what I want and not other people tell me I should do.  My self -image has never been better. (This is HUGE) I have lost friendships, which was really difficult, but it turns out that it was for the best. (Bye, Bye negativity.)  I have honestly never felt better in my life. I plan on keeping it this way, and I have instituted the following motto for 2019, borrowed from a very good friend:

Zero Fucks Given.

Boom. That’s it.  No expectations. I am going to live life everyday, and not worry about what other people think.  I am going to be me, and if someone doesn’t like it, they can move on. I am going to sing, like I am the best singer in the world.  I have the voice but not the confidence. Not anymore. I am going to write everyday and not care if everyone will like it or not. I am not going to be everyone’s cup of tea, and I am going to finally accept that’s ok.  I am me, and I am awesome.

I am going to date without needed to pour myself into a relationship status. Who has time for that? I am going to have fun, and be me. Meet some great people, have great experiences, and love.  Not the happily ever after love, but the you are important to me, and I care about you love. I am going to tell people I love them, and often.  I am going to speak my mind and see what happens. Things could get interesting. We shall see.

I am looking forward to 2019 with an open heart and an open mind.  This is going to be my year, I can feel it!

I challenge you to find your motto for 2019 and live it everyday.  Let’s do this!